As a parent of two fiercely independent children—a teenager and a pre-teen—I often find myself in the midst of robust debates. They are passionate and vocal about their beliefs, holding strong opinions that I sometimes struggle to understand. We tackle significant topics together, from spirituality to feminism, immigration policies, and law enforcement practices. When I set a curfew, they challenge me, arguing for a later time. When I ask them to tidy up their rooms, they emphasize their need for personal space. And when I suggest they complete their homework after school, they present their case for a later schedule.
These discussions can leave me feeling drained, and I sometimes wish for a simpler response—an easy “okay, Mom,” instead of the thoughtful pushback I receive. However, deep down, I don’t truly want that. I want my kids to express themselves freely, to learn how to advocate for their needs and desires, and to feel comfortable challenging authority when necessary.
I believe it’s crucial for my children to engage with conflict and learn how to resolve it effectively. I want them to stand up for what they believe is right, even if it means questioning those in power. But mastering these skills requires courage and, most importantly, practice.
A post by a therapist named Jamie Ellis from New York highlighted the drawbacks of emphasizing obedience in our parenting approach.
At 43, I’m still learning to navigate conflict and assert myself. Growing up in the 80s, the prevailing attitude was that children should simply obey adults without question. This belief shaped my early experiences, leading me to suppress my frustrations until they bubbled over in unhealthy ways.
I certainly don’t blame anyone for my struggles with conflict resolution. While I was assertive in advocating for myself as a teenager, I often avoided confrontation with others. For instance, I dislike being called “Sam,” yet I rarely correct people. I tend to let it slide to avoid potential discomfort, leading to awkward situations.
It has taken me until my 40s to feel somewhat comfortable having difficult conversations. I prefer my children to learn these skills early, to understand that questioning authority doesn’t equal disrespect. I want them to grasp the purpose behind rules so they can make informed decisions.
I aspire to cultivate children who question norms, speak their minds, and confront challenges respectfully. Most importantly, I want them to feel safe discussing their mistakes with me.
In essence, I’m not aiming to raise obedient children; my goal is to foster confident, independent thinkers capable of navigating and resolving conflicts. So, when they debate their curfews or homework schedules, I remind myself that this is exactly what I desire for them, even if it can be quite frustrating at times.
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In summary, my parenting journey focuses on fostering independence and confidence in my children rather than mere obedience. I want them to embrace their voices and develop the skills necessary to advocate for themselves and others.