By: Sarah Thompson
My partner has this habit of waking up in the middle of the night whenever I sneak off to use the restroom. Sometimes, I attempt to navigate my midnight trips with my eyes half-closed because, after 10 PM, I transform into a grizzly bear ready to hibernate—my patience for social interaction diminishes rapidly.
He greets me with, “Hey sweetheart! How are you? How did you sleep?” In the early stages of our relationship, I tried my best to respond, but all that came out was a mumble. I simply can’t maintain his level of perpetual cheer, no matter how hard I try.
There are moments when I think I’m in a good mood, only to realize I’m not quite ready for company the moment someone starts talking to me. Sometimes I have social plans, but despite my best efforts, I can’t muster a smile, engage in small talk, or pretend to be happy. It feels like someone has drained all my social energy, leaving me with the option to sit quietly and respond only when spoken to. I’m not being rude—just reserved. Unfortunately, my neutral expression has led many to believe I’m unfriendly until they get to know that I’m just experiencing a moody phase.
This has been part of my life since my teenage years. Friends would often ask if I was upset with them, bombarding me with questions about what was bothering me. My family and partners have expressed that my moody episodes create a tense atmosphere, and they often feel uncertain about how to approach me.
This has bothered me for years. I’ve grappled with it for over three decades, wishing I could be more sociable and energetic. I’ve learned the best approach is to communicate with those close to me when I’m feeling off and to let them know it’s nothing personal.
I’m not truly unhappy; I just experience mood swings. To those who don’t relate, I may come across as aloof or unfriendly. Yet many of my friends and sisters can empathize with my struggles. When I say I’m not myself, they understand that it’s just a phase, and it has nothing to do with them.
As I near 46, I’ve come to accept that my moods often fluctuate, often triggered by lack of sleep or too much sugar. This is simply part of who I am. I require more downtime than many people. I appreciate peace and quiet; excessive noise or stimulation makes me anxious, and my nerves become frayed. Sounds seem amplified, and I find it challenging to concentrate, which drains my energy even more.
I’ve tried pushing through my moods by attending gatherings or stepping out, hoping it would change my energy, but it often has the opposite effect. It only heightens my feelings. I recently discussed this with my sister, who also experiences moodiness. We both struggle to reconcile our desire to be cheerful and pleasant with our natural inclinations.
There’s a distinction between being moody and being unkind, and this should be normalized—especially for women. I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to put on a happy face to make others comfortable. Hearing people rave about someone’s constant cheerfulness has always been a trigger for me. Striving to be that upbeat person often backfires.
Many people feel pressured to smile and socialize even when they don’t feel like it. I’ve learned that if I honor my feelings and take time for myself, the clouds of my mood clear much faster than when I force myself to be cheerful.
Even in good times, I may feel down, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Life is not solely about constant happiness; it’s about experiencing the full range of emotions. Many people don’t feel one way all the time; our moods shift. Accepting this has been a challenging yet necessary journey. It’s okay not to be in high spirits all the time, and you don’t need to smile just because someone tells you to.
If you ever want to hang out in silence, we could just grab some brownies and chill—no talking or smiling required. I promise I won’t be offended.
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Summary:
This piece delves into the author’s struggles with moodiness and the acceptance that it’s a part of their identity. It discusses how societal expectations can pressure individuals to maintain a cheerful demeanor, despite their true feelings. Embracing one’s true emotions, rather than conforming to external pressures, is emphasized as an essential aspect of well-being. The author encourages readers to understand that it’s okay to experience fluctuations in mood and that one can still be authentic without constant happiness.