Even more than ten years after my tumultuous affair with a married man came to an end, I find myself haunted by one persistent question. It lingers in my mind, gnawing at me relentlessly. I can’t help but wonder how his wife managed to endure his blatant and ongoing infidelity for so long.
I often reflect on what I would do if I were in her shoes. What if my husband cheated not just once, but repeatedly over the span of our entire marriage, starting when I was pregnant and continuing for a decade? I know I wasn’t the only one; I was neither the first nor the last woman he betrayed her with. However, my affair was perhaps the longest and most damaging. Near the end, his wife called me, and I confessed everything. The devastation in her voice made me feel like the worst kind of villain, yet she chose to stay with him. They continued to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, maintaining the façade of a happy marriage.
Was she truly happy? That seems to hinge on one’s definition of a “happy marriage.” From what I gathered, she was not financially dependent on him; in fact, it seemed to be the opposite. They had two children, which is always a factor in such situations.
During our affair, he was abusive toward me. Could he have been abusive to his wife, thus compelling her to stay? Absolutely. His betrayal was a form of emotional abuse.
From what I’ve learned, it seemed she was aware of his unfaithfulness for years. Each time she found evidence, she reacted as if it was the first time she had encountered the truth. I could never fully grasp this mindset unless she was deep in denial.
Denial is a coping mechanism. Coming to terms with the reality that your spouse has been unfaithful to you, engaging in intimate relationships with numerous women throughout your marriage, must be agonizing. Discovering that your husband was at the movies with his mistress instead of working late or missing your daughter’s soccer game for a tryst must be heart-wrenching.
Now that I’m older, married, and have children, my perspective on what his wife must have endured has shifted. I can only imagine the turmoil she faced. While my husband is not like him—loyal and dependable—loyalty isn’t always guaranteed. I once vowed never to sleep with a married man, yet I did, which capsized my moral compass for years. I was not who I thought I was.
This brings me back to her. I still wonder why she stayed. What narratives has she constructed to justify her decision? How many others are trapped in similar situations, feeling the instinct that their partner’s late-night work excuses are lies?
The deception is rife. What compels someone to uphold the illusion of a happy relationship while ignoring the truth of their partner’s betrayal?
I still think about my ex-lover’s wife. Is it guilt I feel? Perhaps. It’s a burden I might carry for life. Nevertheless, I’ve grown and learned from this experience, gaining empathy and self-reflection. Mistakes were made, but I’m thankful for the lessons.
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