Parenting
I’m Not Resentful, I’m Establishing a Boundary
by Sarah Johnson
Updated: June 12, 2021
Originally Published: June 12, 2021
I struggle to be around my mother for more than an hour. Our relationship has been tumultuous since my teenage years. I experienced abuse from a family member on her side, and instead of offering me protection, she wanted me to stay silent to maintain harmony.
Although she now expresses regret and has apologized repeatedly, wishing things had been different, the truth is, it didn’t change until that family member passed away. For over two decades, she spoke about this person as if nothing had ever happened, completely ignoring the trauma I endured. Her disregard for my feelings is an understatement, and I lost trust in her.
As I became a parent myself, I often questioned how a caring person could overlook such a serious issue affecting their own child. When I was pregnant with my first child, a little one threw a ball at my belly, and I reacted strongly. If someone harmed my child, I would defend them fiercely. Ignoring such actions is simply not an option for me.
Because of these emotions, I must limit my time with my mother. She doesn’t have unrestricted access to my life. I decide when I see her and for how long. She understands that she cannot just drop by anytime she wishes. I need to mentally prepare myself before visits.
Some may interpret this as holding a grudge, but I see it as establishing a boundary. There’s a significant difference, and everyone has the right to do so. Boundaries can take many forms, whether it involves cutting someone off completely, limiting encounters to once a year, or simply saying no while keeping the person in your life.
As the saying goes, we teach others how to treat us. My mother taught me that I cannot rely on her for my safety. I’m not trying to punish her; rather, I’m aiming to protect myself. Ultimately, our mental well-being is our own responsibility. Rarely do people change on their own after repeatedly causing us distress. We must advocate for ourselves and make the decisions that are best for our lives, regardless of others’ opinions.
It’s easy for those not in a similar situation to suggest someone should lighten up or accuse them of holding a grudge. However, there’s a vast difference between that and prioritizing your peace of mind. Many people remain unchanged, and recognizing that someone is harming you—mentally or physically—is essential. You have the power to remove toxic individuals from your life whenever you choose.
I teach my children the importance of their own happiness. I want them to understand that if they don’t stand up for themselves, no one else will. I have established a firm boundary with my mother, but that doesn’t mean others must have the same approach, nor do I seek anyone’s approval.
After years of internal conflict, I’ve learned that just because time has passed and she’s apologized, it doesn’t mean I must reintegrate her into my daily life. My mental health is too valuable, and if others perceive my actions as holding a grudge, that’s their perspective. They don’t experience the anxiety and discomfort that arise from being around her—I do.
We should normalize setting boundaries and not shame individuals for taking care of themselves. Ultimately, we all have to live by our own rules and do what’s right for us in our relationships. If people want to think I’m holding a grudge, so be it. This is an act of self-care, and I owe no one an explanation for my decisions.
This article was originally published on June 12, 2021.
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of setting personal boundaries, particularly in relationships where past trauma exists. The author shares their experience with their mother, who failed to protect them during a time of abuse. By limiting contact, the author emphasizes self-protection rather than holding grudges. They advocate for recognizing harmful behaviors and making choices that prioritize mental well-being, encouraging others to establish their own boundaries without the need for approval from others.
SEO Metadata
Keywords: boundaries, mental health, parenting, trauma, self-care