My boyfriend and I switch weekends at each other’s homes. A few weeks back, he helped me rake up the leaves in my yard since I always neglect it in the fall. He also assisted me with setting up my air conditioners. When it was my turn to be at his place the following weekend, we did some yard work, which involved reseeding his lawn and trimming some trees.
I’m thankful for his help; it’s a significant support, but I feel that these are things you should do as a couple—working together as a team. However, that wasn’t always the case for us, and I recently figured out why: his mother lives nearby and will drop by to do anything he asks of her. As a result, he isn’t accustomed to managing his own home or even helping out at mine.
I’ve urged him to handle tasks independently, explaining that it’s often faster and requires less effort than waiting for his mom to come over. For instance, when we couldn’t locate some hay he thought he had, he called his mom to check if she knew its whereabouts. She didn’t answer, and I pointed out that we could have already been halfway to the store by the time he left a message.
Another time, he realized his hose wasn’t functioning properly and again turned to his mother for assistance because she had watered his lawn before. We’ve been together for a few years now, and I’ve noticed this pattern: whenever he needs cooking, cleaning, painting, or pretty much anything else, he calls her, and she comes right over to help.
She painted his shed last year, planted gardens in his front yard, repainted his bathroom, and even decorated his home for Christmas. While I appreciate that they have such a close bond, I can’t help but feel annoyed at times. For instance, I’ve thought, “Really? You’re calling your mom about a clogged sink? Can’t you just fix it yourself?” His mother is nearing seventy, and I’m certain she has her own priorities rather than constantly being at his beck and call.
This situation has made me realize how crucial it is to teach my children that while I’ll be there for them when they genuinely need help, they should also learn to manage things on their own. Once they’re adults, my assistance should be a last resort—not their first option.
At first, I kept quiet about my feelings. I didn’t want to interfere with their relationship and wondered if my background affected my perspective. My own parents don’t help me with much; in fact, my father hasn’t visited since my divorce to see if I need assistance. He’s a skilled carpenter and lives just a few miles away. My mother is the same; she lives nearby but often needs help herself and rarely offers to assist.
While this situation sometimes saddens me, I recognize that their lack of involvement has fostered my independence and problem-solving skills. If I ever called my mother to paint a room or water my lawn, she would laugh.
I want to be cautious; clearly, my boyfriend’s mother enjoys helping him, or else she wouldn’t continue to do so. However, there are moments when he fails to see how inefficient it is to wait for her when he could easily take care of it himself. Right now, he wants to repaint his living room. I suggested we go get the supplies and do it together, but he said he’d call his mom to see if she could handle it.
One evening, I was preparing to repaint some doors on my own when he saw my efforts and said, “I think we could paint my living room together.” That was the perfect moment to express that if we ever move in together, I expect us to tackle these tasks as a team without relying on his mom, because it will be our home. Although I appreciate her help, I don’t want us to be unproductive while waiting for her to clean the oven.
While I want to support my kids when they truly need it, there must be limits. Of course, I will help them move into a new house or lend a hand with painting a room. They will know I’m there in emergencies or when they need a break. However, I refuse to be their personal assistant managing their homes for them.
I have too many children for that, and I don’t want them to call me for every small issue. I want them to grow up knowing how to handle tasks like unclogging a drain or reseeding a lawn without my assistance. By that time, I’ll be busy enjoying my own hobbies, like reading, gardening, and living life to its fullest. They can start the painting or cleaning, and I’ll be there to help when—and if—I can.
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Summary:
This article delves into the author’s frustrations with her boyfriend’s reliance on his mother for household tasks. While appreciating their close relationship, she emphasizes the importance of independence and teamwork in a partnership. The author reflects on her own upbringing and aims to foster self-sufficiency in her children, while also setting boundaries on the extent of her assistance.