The classic therapy question, “Tell me about your mother,” often suggests a blame game: “How did your mother let you down?” Historically, mothers have been unfairly criticized in the mental health field, ranging from being perceived as overly protective to being labeled as cold and emotionally unavailable. A study by Caplan and Hall-McCorquodale in 1985 analyzed 125 psychological articles published between 1970 and 1982, revealing that mothers were blamed for 72 different psychological issues in their children—from depression to behavioral problems, and even to an “inability to cope with color blindness.” Interestingly, fathers were often exempt from such criticism, being viewed as less pathological and more positively influential in their children’s lives.
Fortunately, during my graduate studies, I learned that many of these outdated theories on mother-blaming were just relics of the past. Current psychological frameworks emphasize a more nuanced understanding of mental health, one that considers biological, psychological, and environmental factors, with parenting being one of the environmental influences—not solely the mother’s impact.
As I prepared for motherhood myself, I made mental notes to avoid common pitfalls: “Don’t overprotect; it may instill fear,” and “Model healthy eating behaviors without obsession.” However, during my time as a psychologist in college counseling, I encountered a wide range of maternal relationships among students. Some had supportive mothers, while others faced significant challenges, including cases of emotional and physical abuse. I vividly remember a client who struggled with anorexia due to her mother’s harmful behaviors.
Initially, I focused on the students’ perspectives, often neglecting to consider the pressures their mothers faced. A turning point for me came during a case discussion when a colleague empathetically remarked, “That poor mother.” This comment shifted my viewpoint, highlighting the immense stress and challenges mothers endure, especially those dealing with children facing mental health issues.
After finally becoming a mother myself following a lengthy journey with fertility treatments, I quickly realized that parenting is profoundly challenging. I found myself grappling with the emotional complexity of motherhood. One day, overwhelmed by my son’s cries, I instinctively told him to stop crying, momentarily forgetting my commitment to validate his feelings.
As time passed, my understanding of psychological development deepened, shaped by my experiences as a mother and discussions with friends and clients. The weight of emotional labor in parenting often falls disproportionately on mothers, who juggle not just child-rearing but also household responsibilities, even when working full-time. Research shows that mothers are often the ones coordinating their children’s schedules and managing day-to-day logistics, which can be exhausting.
The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated these pressures, with many mothers reporting significant stress and health impacts. A New York Times series, “The Primal Scream,” highlighted the challenges faced by working mothers during this time.
Given the burdens mothers carry, it’s not surprising that they often become the focus of blame for their children’s issues. However, it’s important to recognize that most mothers are doing their best under challenging circumstances. In my therapy sessions, I’ve shifted my approach to understanding clients’ relationships with their mothers. When discussing negative impacts, I now encourage clients to share more about their mothers’ struggles, fostering empathy and acceptance rather than blame.
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Summary:
This article discusses the historical tendency to blame mothers for their children’s psychological issues and emphasizes the need for empathy and understanding toward maternal challenges. It reflects on the complexities of motherhood, particularly in light of modern societal pressures and the pandemic’s impact.