Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
Can you do self-insemination at home ?
I’m here, I’m queer, but I still find it hard to embrace this truth. Just typing these words fills me with anxiety. My heart races, pounding against my chest. There’s a tightness in my chest — it feels like a vice gripping me. I’m gasping for air, and my body feels warm and flushed. A panic attack seems imminent. Deep breath in, deep breath out. It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am, not really. I’m a proud gay woman, having recognized my sexuality just last year amidst a pandemic, filled with curfews and quarantines. The source of my distress comes from living a secret life; I’m still very much in the closet, and this shame is suffocating.
To clarify, a few trusted individuals know my truth. I’ve shared my identity with my partner, my sister, my best friend, and my sister-in-law. My therapist and psychiatrist are also aware. Opening up to them was crucial; I needed their support to navigate my feelings. They’ve stood by me during my darkest moments, helping me through days when I felt utterly broken. However, outside this small circle, my secret remains concealed, and living in the shadows is incredibly isolating.
I often experience breakdowns and panic attacks. Anxiety and discomfort are my constant companions, leaving me feeling trapped in my own skin. At times, I resort to drinking more than I should, pouring myself an extra glass of wine or indulging in a few beers. I worry incessantly about the impact of my hidden identity on my loved ones. Will my family accept me if they learn the truth? Will I lose their love and companionship, or the support of my in-laws and friends? I grapple with deep-rooted beliefs instilled during my Catholic upbringing, where love and marriage were expected milestones. While these aspirations are still part of my identity, I’m uncertain how they will shift when I eventually “come out” and reveal my truth.
I am far from alone in this struggle. Millions face similar battles with their sexuality. Studies indicate that approximately 83% of individuals identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientation hidden from most people in their lives, according to research from the Yale School of Public Health. An article in the Psychiatric Times notes that many gay men and women experience significant difficulties in acknowledging their sexual orientation, either to themselves or others. This learned secrecy often persists throughout their lives, forcing many to conceal essential aspects of their identity.
Closeted individuals frequently encounter chronic mental health issues, such as depression and dissociative identity disorder. Renowned psychiatrists have found that many who are in the closet separate their feelings for the same sex from their overall identity, leading to a disconnection between their desires and their self-perception. This mental compartmentalization can foster feelings of sadness, apathy, and self-loathing. In some cases, it can even lead to substance abuse or suicidal thoughts.
I’ve faced such thoughts myself. It’s been a month since I last contemplated ending my life. But regardless of being closeted, it’s essential to recognize that you don’t have to accept the shame. There’s hope and help available, from therapy to LGBTQ support groups. If you or someone you know is struggling with identity or suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to reach out to resources like the Trevor Project or the LGBT National Helpline.
For more insights on navigating these challenges, check out this other blog post that discusses related topics. You can also find valuable information at Healthline for pregnancy and home insemination, and Intracervical Insemination is an excellent authority on this subject.