How to Respond to the Question, "Is That a Boy or a Girl?"

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As a nonbinary individual who leans toward a masculine presentation, I often find myself facing the question, “Is that a boy or a girl?” While adults tend to make assumptions, children are more likely to inquire directly before jumping to conclusions about my gender. They often do this in front of their parents, who usually react with embarrassment and attempt to hush their child’s curiosity. I prefer they/them pronouns and, while I’m not obligated to explain my identity, I recognize that these moments can be opportunities for education that may not get addressed if I’m not in the mood to engage.

Don’t Blame Your Child for Their Curiosity

Parents often feel the need to respond when their children ask about someone’s gender, but it’s important to remember that it’s not the responsibility of the person being asked to clarify their identity. Shushing or shaming children for their questions does a disservice to their natural curiosity. Instead, it’s crucial for parents and adults to teach kids about gender and its complexities, so they learn not to confine others to binary categories.

Respecting Privacy

It’s essential to understand that no one is required to disclose their gender identity. If someone chooses not to respond to a question about their gender, that should be respected. Rather than making assumptions about someone’s gender, use they/them pronouns until you learn otherwise. This practice is more common than you might think; for example, when you see a lost item, you might say, “I wonder who forgot this,” using they/them pronouns without even realizing it.

Does It Really Matter?

When questioning someone’s gender, it’s also worth considering whether it truly matters. Often, we seek labels for our own comfort rather than for the sake of the person in question. This can lead to misrepresenting someone’s identity. Respecting an individual’s identity is far more important than checking off a box that makes you feel more secure.

Embrace Gender Diversity

Recognize that gender expression varies widely and encompasses more than just male and female. Gender expression includes the ways we communicate our gender through clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and more. Understanding that gender identity exists on a spectrum can help you avoid making assumptions based on appearances alone.

Trust and Acceptance

In a recent experience, I entered a women’s bathroom, only to be confronted by a child who questioned my presence. Fortunately, the adult accompanying the child calmly reassured them that I belonged there. This kind of positive reinforcement can help children learn to accept diverse gender identities without judgment.

A Respectful Response

When children ask whether someone is a boy or a girl, it’s perfectly acceptable to respond, “I’m not sure; there are many ways to express gender. Let’s be respectful and friendly.” Encouraging openness and teaching kids about nonbinary identities can foster a more inclusive environment.

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In summary, it’s essential to embrace the complexities of gender identity and expression while fostering a culture of respect and understanding. By addressing children’s questions thoughtfully and educating them about the spectrum of gender, we can help create a more inclusive society.

How to Respond to the Question, “Is That a Boy or a Girl?”