Can you do self-insemination at home ?
“Is your mom a sex worker?”
“Is your sister promiscuous?”
“Does your grandmother sell her body for money?”
“Do you engage in sexual acts for cash?”
These are just a few examples of the creative insults I faced due to my last name growing up. You might have guessed that my surname was linked to the world’s oldest profession. And you’d be right.
Hooker. Yes, up until I turned 25, my last name was Hooker — a term often used to describe someone who engages in sexual activities for pay. (Or for other items of value, if the sex worker is open to bartering.)
My teenage research revealed that the surname Hooker has Anglo-Saxon roots and has been around for centuries; it likely originated from agricultural workers who used a specific type of hook in medieval farming. However, the colloquial usage of “hooker” became popularized after Xaviera Hollander’s 1972 book, The Happy Hooker. So, my father, who blessed me with this delightful last name, didn’t experience any ridicule during his childhood, as it didn’t have the same connotation back then.
When my sister and I hit our teenage years and wanted to change our last name, my dad couldn’t understand. For him, this was non-negotiable. To him, changing our last name was simply out of the question, no matter the emotional toll it took on us.
The real teasing kicked in during middle school. That’s when our peers discovered what “Hooker” meant, and, conveniently, when they were at their most ruthless. My sister, being a confident girl, handled it well and could look forward to changing her name through marriage. I, on the other hand, was a chubby nerd. I had two choices: either suffer in silence or develop a quick wit to deflect the insults.
“Is your mom a sex worker?” Well, judging by those shoes, you can’t afford her services.
“Is your sister promiscuous?” Sorry, she doesn’t cater to prepubescent boys.
“Does your grandmother sell her body for money?” Are you considering a career in that field? You might want to update your wardrobe first.
“Do you engage in sexual acts for cash?” Only with your mother, and that’s while you’re sleeping.
Okay, those comebacks weren’t exactly award-winning, but they were better than nothing. I quickly learned that if I didn’t respond, the teasing would only escalate. The kids who mocked my last name were, unsurprisingly, not the brightest.
Picture this: I’m sitting in my cramped Mississippi public school desk, dodging the remnants of gum stuck underneath, and trying to focus on the lesson. Then, the substitute teacher walks in.
“Ms. Davis is out sick today,” she announces. “I’m Ms. Johnson. Let’s take roll.”
She looks down at her clipboard, and suddenly, time stands still.
“Hooker…”
The name echoes through the classroom, and every other sound falls silent. My face heats up, a sensation akin to mercury rising in a broken thermometer. Everyone in the room knows my last name, and hearing it called out feels like a punch to the gut.
This scenario wasn’t just a one-time occurrence; it happened regularly. My memories of those moments are clouded with embarrassment. I can’t even say for certain if anyone actually laughed, but in my mind, they did, while the teacher looked on, reveling in my humiliation.
I later learned that my mother, who bore the unremarkable last name of Gagliano, once threatened my father with divorce when he refused to consider a name change. She realized the impact it had on us. The only person who truly understood my plight, aside from my sister, was my friend Mike, who dealt with the unfortunate surname Smelley. We became quite the duo, the Smelley Hooker. Mike eventually changed his name around the same time I did.
Do I regret having an unfortunate last name? Not really. Had I been Brad Smith, I’d likely be a more confident but ultimately dull version of myself. I appreciate my quirks. Still, I take solace in knowing that my future children, hypothetical as they may be, will never endure the same emotional hurdles. Given the genetic quirks they may inherit, like my knack for cavities, a boring last name is the least I can offer them.
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