Can you do self-insemination at home ?
Every day, I wake up hoping today will be different. I tell myself it’s a fresh start, that I’ll finally tackle the mountain of unwritten articles piling up for my various platforms. Today, I wish I could scroll through the news without feeling a wave of anger at headlines about white-owned businesses profiting from Asian culture while remaining silent on the ongoing violence against us—especially following the tragic events in Atlanta.
I long for a day when I don’t feel compelled to mute my social media or disconnect from my group chats due to another distressing story about anti-Asian racism or misogyny that someone shared with the intention of keeping us informed.
I wish to simply not be informed; I am not okay.
I Appreciate My Friends
Many of my friends—especially my Black and Asian female friends—have reached out to check on me since the Atlanta tragedy. I’m truly grateful for their concern. However, they’ve been supporting me since the early days of anti-Asian racism when COVID-19 first made headlines.
When they ask how they can support me, I often find myself at a loss for words. I don’t need financial aid or products to sell. I have a solid support network. On the surface, I might seem okay. As one friend put it, “I’m not in any imminent danger.”
But there are moments when it feels like imminent danger is lurking just around the corner. It seems as if this country is intent on putting me—and my loved ones—in harm’s way. It’s not just the Asian community facing these threats; it’s POCs, WOCs, and LGBTQIA+ individuals, too. Sometimes, that danger becomes a reality before we even realize it.
I Want to Scream
I struggle to articulate my feelings to my friends because I know there’s no quick solution to this issue. While I appreciate their check-ins and kind words, they are merely a band-aid on a deep wound. How do I express that we won’t feel safe until we dismantle white supremacy and patriarchy? Who can accomplish that in just a day—or even a year? If it were easy, wouldn’t it have been done by now?
I also feel pressure to provide resources for those who want to learn more about anti-Asian hate, Asian American history, and allyship between Asian and Black communities. While I understand the importance of sharing this information, I’m exhausted.
I’m so incredibly tired.
I fear that the weight of white patriarchy is more than I can bear. I worry that their hate is stronger than my love, as they seem willing to do whatever it takes to suppress me—while I refuse to become a monster. (Or at least that’s what I tell myself; I avoid confronting whether that statement holds true.)
Am I supposed to convince you that I am human?
The difficulty in asking for help stems from the systemic issues at play, and I lack the energy to explain everything. I’m done justifying why my existence matters. My fellow Asian women, my daughter—my brave and beautiful girl—are often viewed as expendable. We are not safe, not wanted, and not considered human. We live in fear when we should feel secure. We are often blamed, exoticized, fetishized, and doubted when we simply want to exist.
I am not okay.
I feel like a shattered windshield, just waiting for the next blow to completely break me. I’m angry, sad, and frightened. I am human. And I make no apologies for how I feel.
This article was originally published on March 30, 2021.
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Summary
In a world where anti-Asian sentiment is rampant, many Asian individuals are struggling with feelings of fear and anger. Friends and allies often reach out to lend support, but the systemic nature of racism makes it difficult to articulate specific needs. The author reflects on the emotional toll this takes, expressing a longing for true safety and humanity amidst ongoing societal challenges.