Let me share a truth: I adore my mom. But there’s another truth that weighs heavily on me: I fear becoming her. It might sound harsh or even ungrateful, especially considering how wonderful she is. After divorcing my father when my brother and I were very young, she single-handedly raised us, juggling three jobs and ensuring we never went hungry. She established rules and was quick to forgive our missteps. She pushed us to excel, all while sacrificing her own interests and social life.
She gave everything to us, yet in doing so, she neglected to build a foundation for her own future—one filled with adult children leading their own lives. Now that my brother and I are grown and have kids of our own, she finds joy in her grandkids, but her life seems largely solitary. While she enjoys simple activities and is content to wait for our visits, from the outside, it feels profoundly lonely.
As I navigate my own path after separating from my children’s father, I find myself in a situation reminiscent of my mother’s life at my age. With two daughters to care for, I am responsible for their every need—financial, emotional, and otherwise. I understand the immense effort it takes to raise children, and I am committed to giving my all, just as my mom did for us.
However, I look at my mother’s life today and feel a sense of dread about the future that might await me. I don’t want to lose myself in motherhood, as she did, despite her apparent happiness. I recognize the importance of cultivating friendships and personal interests now, so that when my children grow up, I will have a life of my own to look forward to.
The challenge lies in finding a balance—how can I give my children the love and care they deserve without sacrificing my own identity and future? I could choose to wait until my children are older to focus on myself, but I know that life doesn’t end once they leave for college. In fact, it often begins anew then.
Ultimately, I need to stop striving for an unrealistic balance and accept that nurturing a part of myself is essential. Motherhood doesn’t necessitate complete self-sacrifice. I can be a good mom while still holding on to my own dreams and interests.
Additionally, it’s important for me to step back from my fears of becoming my mother and instead appreciate the life she has created for herself. Perhaps she didn’t fall into this life by accident; maybe she made choices that were best for both her and us. If that’s true, I have much to learn from her experiences.
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In summary, while I love my mom deeply, the fear of losing my individuality in motherhood looms large. It’s crucial to learn from her journey while forging my own path, where I can nurture my children without losing sight of my own dreams and desires.