Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how fortunate I feel to be here, sharing my life with my family. As COVID-19 began to impact the world, I won’t lie; the fear was real. The grim news and staggering statistics left me feeling anxious and uncertain. I remember telling my partner that I feared I would lose many people I knew to this virus.
Sadly, this has become a reality for so many. Fortunately, those closest to me have largely remained safe. For those who did contract the virus, their experiences didn’t escalate to hospitalization, which is a blessing.
Not long ago, I learned about an acquaintance from the professional sphere who was hospitalized due to COVID-19. I hadn’t known him well, yet it was heartbreaking to see his health declining. He passed away while I was engaged in a routine activity—taking my son to his first ice skating lesson. I stumbled upon the news while waiting for food at a drive-through, and it struck me deeply, especially thinking of his young grandchildren.
That night, as my partner and I were preparing for bed, he casually asked, “Do you smell that?” When I replied no, a realization hit me: I couldn’t smell anything at all. While I wasn’t feeling sick otherwise, I knew I had to get tested for COVID-19 first thing in the morning, which sparked an internal panic. My mind raced with thoughts about what I needed to prepare for in case my health deteriorated rapidly. Some aspects of my life were in order, while others were not, leaving me uneasy about what I might need to communicate to my loved ones.
As someone who has battled anxiety, these thoughts quickly spiraled. I remembered my mother, who had battled cancer not long ago. I never had the chance to ask her about her fears or experiences, and now I felt the weight of that loss.
Luckily, my COVID test came back positive, but I experienced only mild symptoms, and I was able to work from home while quarantined with my family.
A week later, a college friend posted on social media that he was hospitalized with COVID-19, and while he initially seemed stable, his condition worsened. I followed his updates closely, and soon his relative took over his social media account to announce his passing. It was shocking. We hadn’t spoken in years, but the connections fostered through social media made his loss feel personal. He was the kind of friend who always knew how to lighten the mood with a witty comment.
His death came just before Easter, a time of reflection for me as a practicing Catholic. It made me contemplate how he and I were in similar stages of life—both in our late 40s and both battling the same illness, but I was still here. It felt like a gift of extra time, and I couldn’t help but question how I would use that time moving forward.
Days later, I received a voicemail from an unfamiliar number. It was a colleague of my therapist, and immediately, I sensed something was wrong. When I called back, I learned that my therapist had unexpectedly passed away. The news was devastating. The therapeutic bond we had grew over years of sharing deep personal insights, though I knew little about his life outside his role. As a fellow therapist, I understood the professional boundaries he maintained, but I felt his absence profoundly.
This loss stirred up fears about what would happen if I were to die. I have a spouse and a young child, and the thought of them facing such news fills me with dread. As a parent, these anxieties intensified during my pregnancy and have lingered ever since. The responsibility of caring for a child who cannot care for themselves is immense, making the thoughts of potential loss all the more consuming.
Perhaps the key to navigating these feelings lies in preparing for the inevitable, easing the burden on those we love. This means ensuring that practical matters are taken care of, but also having those tough conversations about our fears and what lies ahead.
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If you’re interested in more stories on this topic, you might find our other blog post useful, here.
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Summary: After facing the challenges of COVID-19, the author reflects on the profound sense of gratitude for still being with family. The emotional journey involves grappling with loss, fear, and the importance of preparing for the unexpected, all while cherishing the time spent with loved ones.