Please refrain from asking women when they plan to have another child. Or if they even intend to have another baby. And absolutely do not suggest any deadlines for such decisions. There’s simply no appropriate moment to spark such discussions.
Recently, I was in conversation with another mother, and as often happens, we started talking about our children. We discovered our little ones were both toddlers, and she revealed her annoyance at being bombarded with questions regarding when she would have another baby. I responded with a sympathetic sigh and a resigned “ugh,” because oh boy, don’t get me started on that topic.
“I’m not sure if I want another one—I’m already so exhausted,” she confided. “They tell me not to wait too long because the kids will be too far apart, but I’m okay with an age gap. I know I’m not ready for another right now. But people keep saying I’ll be too old soon.” Then, in a hushed tone, she added, “I mean, I don’t even know if I can HAVE another.”
She was fortunate that time constraints prevented me from elaborating, because I had a lot to say.
I didn’t share my own experiences with such inquiries. I didn’t tell her that, unlike her, I had hoped for my kids to be closer in age. I omitted the fact that loss is part of my journey and that there was a time when I, too, questioned my ability to have another child. I didn’t mention the baby shower where someone had the gall to ask when I would be having another baby, just a few months after my first loss—a moment that was already filled with emotional turmoil. I didn’t share how someone told me I was running out of time on the due date of my stillborn child, or how difficult it was to mask my feelings with a forced smile while longing to escape. I didn’t reveal how those remarks made me feel like I was failing my living child by not providing a sibling.
What I did share with her was that it’s perfectly okay if she chooses to have only one child. I mentioned that my own kids are five years apart and how that age gap has brought many blessings. I reassured her that whatever choice she makes will be the right one and that often, we have no control over how these situations unfold. I emphasized that she’ll know when the time is right, and that external opinions don’t dictate her worth as a mother or a woman.
Because whether one child, none, or several, we are all valuable as mothers, regardless of how many children we have or how many others believe we should have. Questions and comments about a woman’s fertility are intensely personal and should remain unasked. They can hurt, instill doubt, and often feel like judgments when we shouldn’t have to conform to anyone else’s expectations of motherhood.
So, please keep these questions to yourself. The story behind a woman’s journey into motherhood is often more complex than you realize.
If you’re interested in learning more about family planning and related topics, check out this blog post for additional insights.
For those seeking authoritative information on pregnancy, visit WomensHealth.gov. If you want to explore options for home insemination, Intracervical Insemination offers valuable resources.
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Summary:
A woman reflects on a conversation with another mother about family size and the societal pressures surrounding it. She emphasizes the importance of respecting individual choices regarding parenthood while highlighting her own complex experiences with loss and family planning.