Relief is a profound emotion that many people experience, particularly after the release from anxiety or distress. It can feel like a refreshing breeze or the first whiff of blooming flowers. However, it’s not a common feeling associated with loss, especially when it comes to a loved one’s death. Yet, that was my experience when my mother passed away.
When my mother died in June, I felt an unexpected sense of comfort and joy. I experienced a sense of respite, and it was because she was a deeply complicated person. She battled mental health issues and addiction, and she could be harsh and abusive. For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal assaults, and her death offered me closure. Indeed, I found solace in her passing.
I grappled with feelings of anger and shame about my initial reaction. What kind of person feels relief in the wake of their mother’s death? To truly understand my feelings, it is essential to grasp who my mother was and the nature of our relationship.
My mother’s life was marked by untreated depression that affected our family profoundly. As a child, I lost weeks to her struggles, enduring her coldness and unkind words. She often labeled me as stupid, worthless, and a disappointment. Alcohol became her coping mechanism in her later years, complicating our relationship even further.
I didn’t hate her, but I did resent the person she had become. Loving someone with an addiction is incredibly challenging. I felt a heavy burden to save her, a responsibility I couldn’t escape. So, when I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, my demeanor was surprisingly calm. The prospect of her death brought a sense of relief because it meant an end to the pain—for both of us.
I tried reaching her multiple times, but she didn’t answer. Eventually, I went to her apartment, knowing what I might find. With a deep breath, I opened her door; it wasn’t fear that made me breathe deeply, but the thought of finally being able to let go. If I found her there, it would signal an end to our tumultuous history.
Let me clarify: I did not wish for her to die. Despite feeling relief, I often think about the relationship we could have shared if circumstances had been different. I mourn the moments we’ll never experience together and feel a deep sense of guilt for not being able to help her.
Many individuals experience relief after the death of a complicated loved one, but it often feels like a shameful secret. According to an article on What’s Your Grief, “grievers often carry it with them as though it’s a deep, dark secret.” Understanding that relief is a valid emotion doesn’t lessen its intensity, but it can bring comfort to those who feel isolated in their grief.
If you find yourself navigating the loss of a complicated relationship and experience relief, know that your feelings are valid. You’re not alone in this. Your emotions, whatever they may be, are part of your unique grief journey.
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