After the kids settled down for their afternoon naps, my partner pulled me aside and revealed that he had filed for divorce with a lawyer he had hired. He had also secured a rental home and set a move-in date for the following month. It was clear he had rehearsed his words, doing his best to convey this devastating news. By that point, we were both emotionally depleted; I don’t think he even realized what day it was.
The heartache I experienced was indescribable. To say I felt miserable would have been an understatement—I felt worse than miserable. Within a single year, I had been pregnant, given birth to a second daughter, managed a demanding full-time job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all during a pandemic. I wouldn’t wish this emotional rollercoaster on anyone.
Although I felt blindsided and betrayed by his announcement, it wasn’t entirely unexpected. I had been vocal about wanting a separation and had mentioned the “D-word” for over a year. During that time, I was filled with anger. Perhaps it was due to the pregnancy and postpartum challenges, the anxiety of the pandemic, the pressures of raising two small kids, work stress, or simply the cramped living conditions that felt suffocating. The isolation of lockdown orders, the well-meaning interventions from family, and the complexities of navigating an interracial marriage amidst social upheaval also played a role. Maybe it was him, maybe it was me, or perhaps the marriage was never meant to last, and these experiences only illuminated its inevitable conclusion.
Long before his planned announcement, I harbored intense anger towards him, to the point where I joked about whether he would be worth more dead than alive (for the record, I hold no ill will toward him). My anger propelled me to seek out resources on divorce, mainly to ensure my children would be minimally affected. A small part of me also wanted to “win,” as if life were a competition where I wanted to claim the larger share. In an age of overwhelming information, sensationalized portrayals of divorce in film and television, targeted ads based on late-night online searches, and an entire industry profiting from couples splitting up, it was easy to spiral into a dark mindset—especially during COVID.
In my chaotic quest for knowledge, I reached beyond online forums. I read books, participated in county-sponsored divorce webinars, listened to podcasts, consulted a therapist, enrolled in Zoom therapy groups, sought advice from others who had been through divorce, and leaned on family and close friends for support. Over time, what began as a journey to “win” transformed into a path of introspection. I felt like I had metaphorically regurgitated my emotions, forcing me to confront my own shortcomings.
Ultimately, what my partner did or how wrong I felt he was didn’t matter; I could only control my own responses. By sitting with my discomfort, I hoped to find some inner peace. Instead of chasing external validation, I realized it was time to cultivate my own inner light.
The decision to stay in or leave my marriage had to come from a place of honesty, and in truth, when I was demanding a separation, I was not grounded. I was consumed by anger, using blame as a way to deflect from my own insecurities. I noticed this behavior echoed in others I spoke to who were also deep in their divorce battles or trapped in unhappy marriages. Many men blamed their soon-to-be ex-wives for having borderline personality disorder, while women labeled their husbands as narcissists. Surely, not everyone could be suffering from these conditions; where were these labels when couples were getting married?
In the end, I concluded that I wasn’t ready for divorce; I needed to focus on improving myself within the marriage. Ironically, the decision to separate was made for me on a day dedicated to love. Perhaps this decision will ultimately become an act of love toward myself. To pick up the pieces of my broken heart and learn to let go was essential.
Letting go means taking responsibility for my actions, mourning the loss of my marital expectations, and moving forward toward a brighter future for my children and myself. It doesn’t matter if my fault was 5% or 95%; there’s no magical scale to measure blame. Everyone involved experiences loss in some form. I recognized several areas where I could improve:
- I struggled to set and communicate emotional boundaries, leading to feelings of frustration when they were crossed.
- I allowed anxiety about the future to overshadow my ability to be present and reflect on the past.
- I became competitive rather than collaborative, fostering resentment instead of connection.
- I believed I could change my partner, blinded by my own ego.
- I focused on winning arguments instead of nurturing the marriage.
- I used anger to deflect from my insecurities and poorly communicated my feelings.
- When challenges arose, I mistakenly believed I needed to exert more effort rather than reassess my approach.
Now that I’ve identified these patterns, I can no longer ignore them. These are behaviors I must work on not only for my own growth but also for my children. Change will take time, and while I wish I could have shared this journey with my spouse, I accept that I’ll be navigating it independently, with the support of the community I’ve built along the way.
While I recognize my privileges as a soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the emotional turmoil of divorce on anyone. In moments of vulnerability, I strive to embrace living fully. For me, this means leaning into vulnerability with intention, honesty, and kindness. I aim to continue my journey of self-actualization, showing myself as much compassion as I extend to others. And ultimately, I will learn to let go.
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Summary:
In navigating a pandemic divorce, I uncovered profound lessons about accountability, self-reflection, and personal growth. The experience, while painful, has taught me the importance of letting go and focusing on my own emotional well-being, ultimately fostering a healthier future for myself and my children.