Relief is a profound emotion that many people experience, often described as a sense of reassurance or relaxation following a period of anxiety or distress. It can feel like a breath of fresh air, similar to the first time you catch a whiff of blooming flowers. However, relief is not an emotion typically associated with grief or loss, as most people don’t feel it when a loved one passes away. Yet, for me, it was different.
When my mother passed away in June, I found myself feeling a mix of comfort and happiness. There was a sense of respite that I hadn’t anticipated. Why? My mother was a complex woman who battled mental health issues and struggled with addiction in her later years. She was also harsh and abusive, often expressing her frustrations with hurtful words that lingered long after they were spoken.
For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her death brought me a certain closure. While society might expect mourning in such a situation, I felt solace and, yes, relief.
I grappled with feelings of shame and anger at my reaction. What kind of person feels gratitude in the wake of their mother’s death? To understand my relief, it’s vital to appreciate who my mother was and the tumultuous relationship we had.
She battled undiagnosed depression for years, which cast a shadow over my childhood and led to weeks of emotional turmoil. Her words were often cutting; I was told I was stupid, worthless, and a disappointment. The relationship was fraught with trauma, making me feel perpetually inadequate. Loving an addict is incredibly challenging, and I often felt it was my duty to save her.
When I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained calm. The thought of her passing brought a sense of relief, as it meant an end to the pain—for both of us. I drove to her home, and after a few unanswered calls, I let myself in. I took a deep breath before opening her door, not out of fear, but because I felt a weight lift. If she was gone, she would finally be at peace, and I would be free.
Make no mistake: I never wished for her death. Despite my relief, I often find myself wishing she were still here, pondering how things might have been different. I mourn the relationship we could have had. I also wrestle with immense guilt for not being able to help her. While many share similar feelings of relief in grief, my experience feels shameful and taboo.
As noted in an article on What’s Your Grief, “As logical and as common as the emotion of relief is in grief, it seems like grievers often carry it with them as though it’s a deep, dark secret.” It’s a reminder that emotions are complex, and it’s entirely valid to feel multiple things at once.
If you’re navigating the loss of a complicated loved one and feeling relief, know that you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, regardless of how they manifest during the grieving process.
For further exploration of this topic, check out this insightful piece that discusses navigating emotions in grief. Additionally, for more authoritative insights, visit Intracervical Insemination or IVF Babble for excellent resources on related topics.
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In summary, expressing relief in the face of loss, especially involving a troubled relationship, is a nuanced and often stigmatized experience. Acknowledging these feelings can be the first step toward healing.