If you ever had any doubts about whether humans evolved from primates, just take a look at the behavior of a teenage boy. The gap between adolescent and adult primates is surprisingly narrow. (Don’t believe me? Feel free to borrow mine for a weekend. Seriously!)
Living with one of these teenage creatures means you’ll often find them holed up in their room for days, requiring occasional checks to ensure they’re still alive. When you finally muster the courage to enter their lair, the first thing that hits you is the smell—an odor so potent it seems to serve as a deterrent to adults. While you try to breathe through your mouth, you spot your teenage primate slumped beneath a mountain of clothes and snacks in his corner.
Your first attempt to rouse him is a gentle tap on his back. After several silent minutes, you resort to shaking him and calling his name. Eventually, you may even resort to a bullhorn and a bucket of water (which is probably the first time he’s encountered H2O in weeks). When he finally wakes, he protests with loud screeches and flailing limbs.
Once he emerges from his nest, he’s likely to scratch at his chest and armpits while swatting away flies. His movements stir up more unpleasant odors, prompting a gag reflex that he takes as a victory, flashing you a toothy grin. As he jumps down the stairs, he instinctively reaches for the chandelier, attempting to swing from it—because why not?
In the kitchen, where he knows he can refuel, you toss him a banana, which he devours in two bites. After polishing off eight more bananas, five bowls of cereal, four apples, three cheese sticks, and two bags of chips, he proudly announces his need to poop. He reminisces with his siblings about past bowel triumphs, including one legendary incident that refused to flush, leading to a DIY tool fashioned from sticks.
His fascination with poop leads to lengthy discussions with friends, where they analyze the shape, texture, and smell of their creations. When not engaged in such enlightening conversations, they communicate through play, primarily involving the tossing of objects—sometimes at each other, which inevitably ends in raucous laughter.
Discussions about the opposite sex take place in cryptic codes, filled with laughter and teasing. Adult female primates have learned to avoid direct questions about this topic, as it usually results in exile from the cave. Instead, they delegate this sensitive subject to adult males, who attempt to convey the importance of emotional connection when it comes to dating—though good luck getting that to stick. After all, it’s frowned upon to try and hump everything in sight.
There inevitably comes a time when the adult and teenage primate hit a wall, prompting the adult to dive into research in hopes of understanding their relationship better. Fortunately, there’s a wealth of studies available, as many adults have dedicated their careers to studying young primates. These studies often explore the similarities and differences between the two species, revealing that while they share almost identical DNA, living together can be quite a challenge.
Just when you think you’re at your wits’ end with all the noise, jumping, and unpleasant odors, the teenage primate may surprise you. Sensing a threat to their food and shelter, they might unexpectedly exhibit behaviors like hugging, making eye contact, and even smiling at you. This reminds you of how adorable they were as babies, making the overall experience of parenting somewhat rewarding.
You realize that before you know it, this teenage primate will be off on their own in the wild—an even bigger jungle than either of you can imagine. This thought softens the blows of living with them, that is, until the screeches and poop jokes resume.
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Summary
Navigating life with a teenage boy can feel like managing a wild primate, complete with unique behaviors and challenges. From their fascinating (and often gross) interests to their unpredictable social interactions, understanding these young beings requires patience and humor. Amidst the chaos, there are moments of connection that remind us of the sweetness of parenting.