A few weeks ago, I organized a cozy, pandemic-friendly fourth birthday celebration for my daughter. Wanting to bring some joy to what has been a challenging year for her and for all of us, I devoted a lot of effort to planning the party. She requested a princess cake, so I donned my apron and baked her a rather impressive (albeit slightly crooked) cake. She also wanted a piñata, which led me down a Pinterest rabbit hole, resulting in a near finger disaster while crafting one. I gathered princess-themed crafts, a bright neon princess dress, and an assortment of frankly unattractive princess jewelry.
On the day of the celebration, my daughter seemed to enjoy herself. She was thrilled with her dress, devoured cake, and made sure her friends left with the least desirable pieces of jewelry. However, she completely disregarded me throughout the event.
Going into the party, I didn’t have high expectations for her to show much gratitude, considering she’s only four and still learning about manners. But when she spent the entire party avoiding me—running away whenever I tried to take a picture or share a slice of cake—it stung a bit.
Once the guests had departed, she dashed to her room to play with her new jewelry box. I turned to my partner, feeling a bit desperate, and asked, “Do you think she liked it?” He assured me, “She’s four, and there was cake. I’m pretty sure she liked it.” It’s worth noting that my daughter ignored him all day too, and it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. He possesses a natural understanding of child development that I later learned about from experts like Janet Lansbury, who emphasize that a four-year-old’s capacity to express, or even comprehend, appreciation is quite limited.
Moreover, my daughter has been in quarantine for a year, so having a party—albeit a small one with just a couple of friends—was likely overwhelming for her. It makes sense that she was more focused on the activities, her friends, and the sugar rush than on acknowledging my efforts.
Ultimately, her lack of attention had nothing to do with me or her thoughts about the party; it was simply a reflection of her age and current experiences. While I may be a novice cake and piñata maker now, I spent a decade as a middle school teacher. Like many educators, I was a chronic people pleaser, often fixating on negative opinions rather than the positive ones.
During my years teaching around 120 adolescents annually, I encountered many who appreciated me and a few who didn’t. I found myself preoccupied with the critics—if a student or their parent didn’t like me, it consumed me. However, after having my first child, I became too worn out to care as much. Though I still let things bother me, I was gradually shedding my overly sensitive nature.
A few hours after the princess party, a friend texted to share how much fun she had at the party and asked about the piñata, which filled me with pride. This prompted a significant realization: my daughter is four. She isn’t my boss or the judge of my parenting skills. Why was I allowing her perception of my efforts to affect my self-worth?
At the end of the day, I organized an enjoyable celebration for her. I cleaned the house, baked a cake, and even enlisted my husband’s help with the piñata after my crafting mishap. I demonstrated to my daughter that she is loved and valued, which should have been enough for me to feel satisfied.
It’s easy to let the unpredictable and often irrational ways children respond to us influence our self-assessment as parents, but this isn’t a reliable metric. Just as I wouldn’t allow a moody teenager to critique my teaching methods, I shouldn’t let my daughter’s fleeting dissatisfaction shake my confidence in my parenting choices.
As my children grow, they will undoubtedly express numerous opinions—some positive, others frustratingly indifferent—about how my partner and I choose to parent. While I recognize the value of constructive feedback, I also understand the importance of trusting my instincts.
As I prepare for my younger son’s second birthday party, I feel reassured knowing I’m free to focus on what I believe is best, rather than worrying about others’ opinions. Even if he ends up allergic to something at the petting zoo or decides at the last minute that he wanted a pony cake instead of a construction one, the love and effort I put into his birthday—and every day—are what truly matter.
For more insights into parenting, check out this other blog post. Additionally, you can gain more knowledge on social-emotional skills from this resource and find valuable information about pregnancy and home insemination at March of Dimes.
Search Queries:
- How to plan a birthday party for kids
- Tips for managing parenting stress
- Creative birthday party ideas for young children
- Understanding child development stages
- How to deal with children’s opinions
Summary:
In this reflection, I share my experience of throwing a birthday party for my daughter and the emotions that came with it. Despite my efforts, her indifference led me to question my parenting self-worth. However, I realized that her reactions were age-appropriate and not a reflection of my abilities. As I prepare for future celebrations, I am learning to prioritize my intentions and trust myself over seeking validation from my children.