My two children have faced significant upheaval. Just before the world shut down, their father and I separated and initiated divorce proceedings. Our cherished library closed its doors, and our favorite parks were barricaded with yellow tape. We found ourselves cut off from friends and playdates, sweltering in the Arizona heat without a splash pad or pool to cool down. I held onto the hope that schools would reopen in the fall of 2020. While some did, our local schools remained shuttered.
Living near downtown Phoenix in a vulnerable community meant our children missed out on their anticipated activities. My eldest had been eagerly awaiting kindergarten, dreaming about her teacher, the school bus, and lunch with her sister. But even that dream was snatched away, along with the family life we once enjoyed in our spacious home. We transitioned from our lovely house on a quiet street to a bustling downtown apartment, with their dad taking the dog and me keeping the cat.
Despite our friendship post-divorce, we knew we had disrupted our children’s sense of stability. We faced a choice: to merely patch up our problems, risking deeper wounds, or to confront the pain directly for healthier healing. Prioritizing our relationship for our well-being and that of our children led us to the decision to divorce.
Had I known that they would also lose access to parks, playdates, and school, I’m not sure if I would have gone through with the divorce. Yet, I’m grateful we made the decision before COVID struck, as it prevented us from clinging to a broken situation in the hope of easing our pain.
Guilt crept in. I began saying “yes” to everything—more ice cream, candy before bed, extra screen time, and unnecessary toys. My role shifted from parent to circus ringmaster because this situation was unbearable. Our external world was crumbling, and so was our family unit. Looking back, I don’t regret indulging them with more ice cream or letting them watch movies back-to-back. I even allowed them to play in the mud in our backyard right before moving, and yes, I took them to Starbucks for cake pops three days in a row.
But as we began to find our footing in this chaos, I realized it was time for a change. We had established a new rhythm and were on the path to healing. I acknowledged my guilt but refused to let it control me. After putting my daughters to bed, I took a bath, donned my favorite sweats, and wrote letters to myself and my girls, honoring our journey so far.
This reflection provided the mental space I needed to address what I had let slide. Just as I had to confront the reality of my marriage, I also had to face the challenges of my parenting. I accepted that I needed to be the “bad guy” at times, enforcing rules and responsibilities. I recognized the importance of allowing my children to experience discomfort, as it is a vital part of growth. My role was not to ensure their immediate happiness but to foster their long-term well-being.
Discomfort can be a gift; it is through it that we grow, change, and evolve. The very foundation of parenthood often arises from moments of discomfort. I needed to embrace the uncomfortable elements of parenting, reassess my decisions, and focus on raising strong, independent adults who are unafraid to confront their own challenges.
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Summary:
During the difficult transition of divorce amidst the COVID pandemic, I navigated parenting challenges while my children faced significant changes. We moved from our family home, altering our lives dramatically. Though I initially indulged my kids in an attempt to ease their pain, I realized it was time to embrace the discomfort of parenting and prioritize their long-term well-being over immediate comfort.