It always strikes a nerve. That parent on the playground who looks at my twin daughters, who, like their child, are just having fun. My partner and I have heard this phrase more times than we can count: “Your kids are so well behaved,” from a single white parent. As a Black mother, I can only interpret this comment in one way — it’s offensive.
Usually, it’s my wife, who is of South Asian descent, who is at the playground with our children when this occurs. I hear the stories secondhand, yet my frustration simmers when I listen to her recount them. It’s as if people assume my children will misbehave, and their good behavior is a surprise. This is why the term “free-range children” doesn’t apply to BIPOC kids. Their skin color alone can lead to comments like these, or even worse.
BIPOC children often lack the freedom to simply exist and enjoy their surroundings due to genuine fears for their safety. Parents of BIPOC children can’t just let them play at the park without supervision. Additionally, teenage boys who are Black or brown cannot gather in groups, especially wearing hoodies, without being labeled as delinquents or worse.
I’m not a helicopter parent, constantly hovering over my kids, but I’m acutely aware of our environment. I establish boundaries for my kids; I need to keep them in sight when we’re out in public. As for my 14-year-old son, I have to know his whereabouts at all times. It’s not about mistrust in them, but a distrust in how others perceive and treat my children. There used to be a saying that it takes a village to raise children. I still believe in that, but what do we do when some members of that village don’t hold the same values for all children?
As a mother of color, I face a delicate balance between allowing my kids to enjoy their childhood like their white peers and ensuring their safety as a Black and South Asian family. Sending them to the corner store or letting them hang out with friends could lead to traumatic experiences or even worse consequences.
BIPOC families navigate the world differently than our white counterparts, and this is not a new realization. Diane L. Redleaf, author of They Took the Kids Last Night: How the Child Protection System Puts Families at Risk, highlights that while white children are often given the freedom to play and learn on their own, children of color are not afforded the same liberties.
The implications of clothing choices, like wearing a hoodie, are vastly different for our kids compared to their white peers. Even something as innocent as riding bikes in the neighborhood could result in them being wrongfully accused or arrested. This constant fear inhibits their ability to play freely and develop independence. I try to suppress this anxiety, but it remains a background concern whenever I allow my kids to play in our predominantly white neighborhood.
Sharon Lee, a multicultural educator and mother of two, shares, “While I identify as Chinese and my husband identifies as White Latino American — our kids identify as part Chinese, part Brooklyn (where they were born), 100% sassy! They are whole kids, and we never expect them to choose an affinity, but to choose themselves!” Sharon’s children, like many BIPOC kids, learn critical life skills primarily through their home environment. She emphasizes the importance of racial solidarity among communities, stating that it is crucial for all our children to feel secure. As she notes, “This is not a zero-sum situation. We must work together for the benefit of all.”
While some parents can send their kids out to play, look for jobs, or run errands without worry, that reality has never existed for many BIPOC parents. It’s a fear we confront daily — and we must, because our fight for equality teaches others that we deserve to live without fear.
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In summary, the experience of parenting as a BIPOC family brings unique challenges, especially regarding the freedom and safety of our children. While the desire for independence is universal among children, societal perceptions and biases create barriers for BIPOC kids that their white peers may never face.