I still recall the first night our second child arrived home. My partner and I were in bed, cradling her and showering her with love, when our 13-month-old marched down the hallway, glaring at us. The expression on that precious little one’s face clearly said, “What is she doing in my spot, spending time with you?” In that moment, my heart shattered, and I felt an overwhelming urge to reassure my toddler that there would always be enough love for both him and his sister, and plenty of room for him to cuddle with us.
It’s astonishing to think I felt the need to prove something to a 13-month-old. How could I possibly convey anything to someone so young? I wanted him to understand that I could love them both equally and fairly; it was my responsibility to ensure he never felt favored over his sister. I desperately wanted to see that love mirrored in his eyes.
That marked the beginning of a challenging parenting journey, and looking back, I wish I had taken a different approach. With three children born within just two and a half years, our early days felt like a management operation, akin to running a military mission just to leave the house. I maintained a mental scorecard, dividing up snacks like goldfish into equal portions—10 each, and measuring out identical amounts of juice. If one child requested more, I stood firm; it simply wasn’t fair.
During bedtime, I aimed to spend equal time reading and snuggling with each child, only to realize that some books took longer than others. This led to an imbalance in my scorecard. I spent countless nights awake, pondering how to allocate my attention evenly among my wonderful children each day.
This road has been long and full of lessons learned—mostly by me. My method of strict equality has not benefited me or my children. I often wish a fairy godmother had appeared on that night when my toddler entered the room; I realize now that I should have approached parenting differently—not just for my kids’ happiness, but for my own peace of mind.
Children are inherently different, requiring varied approaches. Some need more hugs at bedtime, while others require additional snacks, quiet time, or social interactions. The list of their individual needs is as varied as they are, constantly changing as they grow. Attempting to maintain an updated scorecard serves no one—not me, not my children.
I fell into the trap of striving for equality and fairness, becoming a people-pleaser. Occasionally, I’d visit my therapist, expressing my frustrations about my kids. One day, he pointed out, “You feel resentment toward your child because they are demanding a parenting style that doesn’t align with your desires.” At that moment, I recognized the truth in his words. If I were to be the parent my child truly needed, I would have to abandon my failing strategy of equal treatment and embrace some significant changes, which would be uncomfortable.
Reflecting back, I see that my resentment was directed inward; I wished I had the courage to make tough parenting choices that might stir up tears. While not the enjoyable side of parenting, it would ultimately prepare my children for life outside the nest—essential work.
In my experience teaching preschool, I always aimed to honor each child’s unique interests and needs, a principle I wish I had applied to my parenting from the start. Now that my kids are 17, 18, and 19, they have distinct schedules, tastes, friends, and interests. They may be different in many ways, but they share the qualities of kindness and goodness.
So, perhaps I didn’t completely fail in my parenting journey.
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Summary:
This article discusses the challenges of trying to maintain equality in parenting multiple children. The author reflects on their experiences of feeling the pressure to treat each child the same, ultimately realizing that every child has unique needs that should be acknowledged. The piece emphasizes the importance of individual approaches to parenting rather than strict comparisons.