As we navigate the ongoing pandemic, many parents, especially mothers, are feeling the weight of the childcare crisis. With countless women leaving the workforce or juggling their jobs while managing the household, the situation has become increasingly challenging. I’ve been reflecting on the social dynamics that led to this predicament, particularly the gender pay gap that often results in women being the ones to step back from their careers. My family fits this narrative perfectly; I earn exactly half of what my partner does, even though we both work full-time from home. While our healthcare benefits come from my job, my income is still essential, which means we both need to keep working.
As a proud feminist, I often find myself grappling with the implications of women’s liberation. While it’s great that women can pursue careers, the expectation that they should do so has become a double-edged sword. Many families can no longer survive on a single income, and though the landscape has changed since the 1950s, there’s still much work to be done regarding shared responsibilities at home.
When the lockdown began, we were juggling a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old without any childcare, while the threat of job loss loomed large. My life transformed drastically, while my partner’s remained relatively unchanged. In an effort to share our new responsibilities, I created schedules and tried to divvy up the workload, but it often felt like an uphill battle. Each time I tried to communicate my needs, the same pattern emerged: I ended up handling everything alone.
Now, a year later, I want to revisit the conversation about shared responsibilities and outline five things I still wish my partner would do, not only during the pandemic but always.
1. Step Up and Manage Tasks
I sometimes wonder if my partner is genuinely struggling or just pretending to be clueless. When I ask him to handle tasks like supervising virtual school, it often becomes a disaster. He frequently asks for a schedule, and despite my explanations, he still struggles to find the class stream. This leads to awkward moments, like interrupting a teacher during a lesson for clarification.
2. Follow Through on Help
When I ask for assistance, I need him to follow through consistently. For instance, on days when I drive our youngest to preschool, I handle everything from getting the kids dressed to packing lunches. However, when it’s his turn, he tends to do only the last step. Initially, he helped out, but over time, his involvement dwindled. I just want him to commit to helping when I ask.
3. Acknowledge Shared Responsibilities
Meal preparation has also been a point of contention. Pre-pandemic, I handled most dinners because he was often out of the house. Since we’ve been home together, I’ve grown tired of being the sole person responsible for meals. When I asked him to help, his response was to say that I should just ask him on the night I need dinner made. Why should I have to chase him to fulfill his share of the household duties?
4. Understand My Workload
Managing kids while working is a complex balancing act. When he sends me long articles during the day and then asks if I’ve read them later, it highlights a lack of understanding of my reality. I’m trying to fit an 8-hour workday into just a few hours while also overseeing the kids’ virtual classes and preparing meals. If he has time to read, he can find time to assist with the household, too.
5. Clean Up After Himself
Is “domestic blindness” a real thing? My partner claims he can’t see the messes he creates. While I could tolerate this when he was away most of the day, it’s been increasingly difficult now that he is home all the time. I’ve tried various approaches to encourage him to clean up, but the mess persists. Simply put, I need him to take responsibility for his space.
Ultimately, these five points boil down to one core wish: I want my partner to be a true teammate in our household. A former colleague of his, let’s call him Mark, used to have similar issues at work—showing up late, needing constant supervision, and avoiding taking initiative. It occurred to me that if my partner’s home behavior mirrored that of someone he would want to let go at work, it was time for a change.
While I could shoulder the blame for taking on too much, it’s important to recognize that it isn’t my job to manage his contributions in our household. Many men, like my partner, seem comfortable letting their wives handle everything. This tendency to overlook their partner’s struggles is something I refuse to accept anymore. So, to my partner and all the partners out there who may be complacent: it’s time to step up.
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Summary
This article explores the ongoing challenges faced by parents during the pandemic, especially mothers. It highlights the need for equal partnership in household responsibilities, focusing on five key areas where support is essential. The author encourages partners to take initiative and share the workload to maintain a balanced and healthy family dynamic.