Parenting
“It’s time to stop hitting, or you’ll really be in trouble.” An empty promise. A futile threat. An ineffective way to curb aggressive behavior, at least for me and my child. When my youngest son was a toddler, he had a tendency to hit, and I absolutely despised it! It was embarrassing, frustrating, and hurtful to other kids. I felt like a failure as a parent. People would often say, “Oh, it’s just a phase.” Or, “He’ll outgrow it.” My favorite was, “Just be patient.” However, when your child is hitting others every time they disagree, you can’t afford to wait. You need to find solutions immediately.
To clarify, I’m not a hitter myself, so suggestions to retaliate were never an option for me. He wasn’t mimicking behavior he experienced; I was puzzled about where it was coming from. I began researching the reasons behind hitting in children and found that most sources indicated it was a communication issue. Kids often struggle to express their emotions verbally and resort to physical actions instead. This made perfect sense and was definitely part of what was going on.
Interestingly, this behavior was primarily confined to home. He didn’t hit at preschool or around his cousins; it was just his brothers and me who bore the brunt of it. It seemed he understood he couldn’t get away with it outside the house, but felt free to act out at home. Great. My child was clearly testing boundaries.
I tried numerous strategies to stop the hitting. I would intervene as soon as I spotted him hitting, desperately trying to prevent a retaliatory strike from his brother. If I failed, it would quickly escalate into a slap fest. This meant I often had to discipline both of them, though my primary concern was the instigator. The first step was removing him from the situation. Taking him to a neutral space helped him calm down. I would place him in a chair for a minute or two, allowing him some time to think. This was hardly a quiet process—there was screaming, yelling, and often tears—but it was a chance for him to release his anger.
Once he calmed down, I would engage him in discussion. While I’m not a hitter, I admit I can be a yeller. Part of the reason I placed him in time out was to give myself a breather. Yelling at a three-year-old about their aggressive behavior is counterproductive. Those few minutes served both of us well. I would get down to his eye level to talk. At this stage, I wasn’t offering hugs or affection—he needed to understand that his behavior was unacceptable. This was critical; the moment I reached out to him with open arms, I transitioned from a disciplinarian to a friend, and we weren’t there yet.
I would explain what he did wrong, firmly stating “no.” I emphasized the importance of using words instead of hands. I would involve his brother or show him where he had caused harm to me. This was always impactful. He would gently touch the area he injured and I would encourage him to apologize. I wanted him to grasp that our hands should be used for kindness, not hitting. Generally, this approach worked, at least temporarily. He might cry again, this time out of remorse, and then we would move forward.
Of course, this wasn’t a one-time fix, and he would inevitably hit again. I would repeat the process, sometimes extending the time out, and I began to enforce consequences—like taking away a privilege. Even at two, three, or four years old, children can grasp that they might miss snack time or their favorite show, or perhaps even story time at bedtime. The consequences need to sting a bit to be effective, but consistency is crucial.
I won’t pretend this was an easy or quick process. It wasn’t, but nothing worthwhile is. Time-outs and revoking privileges are helpful, but sometimes you just need to eliminate the triggers. If you sense a toy might lead to conflict, suggest taking turns before issues arise. If an agreement can’t be reached, remove the toy and introduce something else. Preventing problems before they start—easier said than done! Trust your instincts; you know your child best.
Above all, focus on positive reinforcement. This is the most effective method for children. Celebrate their successes with high-fives when they use words instead of hitting. Reward them at the end of a day free from hitting. Keep the hugs coming. Praise and nurture the child you love so dearly. This approach encourages the behavior you want to see. Children thrive on your approval and want to make you smile. No child wants to feel bad. They will strive to earn that warm, fuzzy feeling.
It does get better. It is a normal phase. And yes, you must give it time. But no, you don’t have to let your child walk all over you. You don’t have to stand by while they hurt other children. And you certainly don’t need to hit them back. Just as you would advise your child, take a deep breath, step away, and use your words. Children are individuals too, and by treating them with respect and encouragement, you will reap the rewards.
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In summary, addressing hitting behavior in young children requires patience, understanding, and consistent discipline. By fostering communication, establishing boundaries, and celebrating positive behavior, you can guide your child toward healthier interactions.