Sex has never been a source of tension in my marriage. I often hear couples lamenting about disparities in their libidos, particularly in heterosexual relationships. Thankfully, those clichés don’t apply to us. We both have a strong desire for intimacy almost every day, and that’s been our routine for nearly two decades. It’s neither superior nor inferior to anyone else’s; it’s simply what works for us. That is, until I start breastfeeding a new baby. UGH.
We’ve welcomed three little ones into our family, and let me tell you: breastfeeding completely zaps my sex drive. My libido vanishes, leaving no trace behind. The act of producing milk effectively extinguishes any spark I might have, and this phenomenon persists throughout the nursing period.
Breastfeeding not only dampens my desire to get intimate, but it also complicates the experience of reaching orgasm. Even when my husband brings his A-game to spark my interest, it can take an eternity and divine intervention to achieve even a hint of satisfaction.
Fortunately, my husband is understanding and patient, which makes a world of difference. He doesn’t complain; we made these kids together, and we’re in this as a team. My body might be undergoing these changes, but it affects OUR sex life, not just mine.
When I’m breastfeeding, I often feel overwhelmed by constant touch. There are only a few moments in the day when a small child isn’t clinging to me, and I don’t usually want to spend that precious time with someone else invading my space. Breastfeeding babies are unyielding! They’re always demanding: “Hungry? I need a boob. Tired? I want that knocker. Scared? The only remedy is more breast milk. Just laughed? Let’s celebrate with some more of mom’s milk!”
However, there’s hope on the horizon because as each of my children approaches their first birthday, my body gradually begins to feel like itself again. While there are undoubtedly other factors at play, a significant part of this shift coincides with my kids dropping most of their nursing sessions around their first year, reducing it to just two or three times a day.
My youngest just turned one a couple of months ago, and her breastfeeding sessions have dwindled to just a couple each day. I’m feeling rejuvenated, my once-sore nipples are back to normal, and I’m back in the game! (Forever! Thanks to a tubal ligation!)
About two weeks ago, my thoughtful husband was tiptoeing around our room, trying not to disturb me as he got ready for work. When I opened my eyes, I saw him, freshly showered and glistening. Suddenly, I was wide awake—mind and BODY. The clock was ticking, and he had less than five minutes to leave. I buried my face in the pillow, frustrated.
I couldn’t shake thoughts of him all morning. I sent him a cheeky text during lunch that I won’t repeat here, and he made it home from work faster than ever. I made sure the kids were occupied or napping when he walked through the door. I told them I needed to work on my computer and that Daddy needed a shower. They were instructed to only interrupt for emergencies.
I’ve never seen a man undress so quickly. For the first time in over a year, my body responded to him like it used to. It didn’t take long, and afterward, he looked at me with a smirk and said, “Welcome back.” That moment was such a relief, especially since I’m not as young as I once was. Being in my late thirties, I worried that I might never feel like myself again after having three children in quick succession, rather than waiting until my twenties like most of my peers.
I’m thrilled to say I was wrong about that.
Since that day, I’ve been “working on my computer” quite frequently while my husband takes his showers. I even managed to “work on my computer” before he left for work one morning, despite my usual disdain for early hours. It seems I love sex more than I dislike mornings for now!
This influx of intimacy has helped me reconnect with myself. I’m less irritable, and I feel my anxiety lift. Everything becomes a bit easier to handle when you have those happy endorphins flowing through your body. My mental health feels more manageable when I’m comfortable in my skin again.
The best part of this return to intimacy is witnessing my body transition from the postpartum phase back to feeling healthy and strong. It’s incredible to recognize the amazing feat of creating a human being. It takes time to navigate the mental, emotional, and physical journeys that accompany such a significant life change, and that’s completely normal.
There’s nothing unusual about preferring to relax instead of being intimate while adjusting to postpartum life, especially after sleepless nights with a fussy baby. And there’s no set timeline for regaining your groove. Some people bounce back quickly, but for me, it takes about a year to feel ready again with my loving partner. If he had been pressuring me for sex constantly, I might have taken even longer to feel that desire again. Having a baby can greatly impact your sex life in many ways.
If you’re struggling to feel like a passionate lover after having a baby, don’t fall into the trap of lamenting your youth. One day, you’ll find yourself lying back, breathless and satisfied, thankful that motherhood hasn’t robbed you of the pleasure you once enjoyed.
Sure, the soundtrack of your afternoon escapade might include the cheerful tunes of Pinkfong playing in the background, but you’ll learn to tune that out and enjoy intimacy just like you did before becoming a parent. I can almost guarantee you that.
For further insights, consider checking out this helpful post, as well as resources from Intracervical Insemination and WebMD for more information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, while breastfeeding can significantly impact sexual desire, it’s important to recognize that these feelings are normal and can change over time. Everyone’s journey is unique, and finding intimacy again is a possibility worth looking forward to.