When I turned 41 last August, I found myself on a much-needed getaway with my partner and our two kids, exploring the majestic Redwoods in Northern California. I felt a glimmer of hope—my hair was freshly colored, work was manageable, and we were maintaining our sanity six months into the pandemic. After years of raising little ones, I had even begun writing again. The fall passed with the comforting scents of cinnamon candles and homemade pumpkin donuts, all while hoping for a brighter holiday season. However, Thanksgiving arrived, and the surge in cases brought us crashing back to reality, with 2021 dragging the heavy baggage of 2020 along with it. Here we are, still waiting for vaccines while dealing with new variants and the fading dream of in-person school.
As this slow COVID journey continued, I began to notice the effects of aging creeping in. A sedentary lifestyle led to sciatica, wrinkles deepened, and I discovered gray hairs in unexpected places. Last week, my doctor’s note confirming elevated cholesterol pushed me to confront my health—“I’ll need to start you on a statin and we’ll recheck in two months.” Well, that was a wake-up call.
I always suspected I’d experience a mid-life crisis. I often question if I’ve chosen the right career or if I’d find more satisfaction in a different path. Even though I adore my kids and believe they’ve enriched my life immensely, being stuck at home with no end in sight makes me ponder, “Is this it?”
In my 20s and 30s, I felt I had a lifetime ahead to discover what would bring me happiness. Marrying my partner at 31 felt like the beginning of an adventure, full of opportunities to live abroad and have exciting careers. But as the years flew by, filled with travel, pregnancies, and raising toddlers, we suddenly hit a COVID wall, and I often find myself looking back and wondering, “What happened? I hardly remember.”
I can see time passing through my calendar, but every day feels the same. It’s as if I’m perched on this wall, wondering if there’s more to life beyond it or if I’m stuck here indefinitely.
Recently, during a car ride with my sister, she shared about a Zoom rant with her friends, all expressing frustrations about work, relationships, and life. One friend is contemplating a move across the country, while another just ended a long-term relationship. It seems like everyone is in turmoil.
My partner and I have considered relocating back east, lamenting the Bay Area’s high cost of living, which has driven many of our friends away. I began obsessively browsing real estate listings, hoping for a change. A recent trip to the mountains helped clear my mind, revealing that I didn’t necessarily need to uproot my life to find progress.
During that drive, I confided in my sister, “I feel like I’m having a COVID mid-life crisis.” I had just reassured her that we weren’t likely moving, which relieved her. “I almost sold my house and fled,” I admitted.
At the beginning of the pandemic, many attempted to cope with their own crises through new hobbies. From baking bread to home workouts, people sought escapes. In my own kitchen, I often find myself chopping vegetables or stirring soup, wondering why I feel this weight. I have so much to be grateful for, yet I can’t shake this feeling. I scroll through Zillow, searching for something—anything—that might ease this sense of discontent.
So, what’s next? Should I make a drastic change, like buying a farm in Oregon, to find a new perspective? Should I pursue work that reignites my passion? Or do I plan a vacation and hope for the best? I’m stuck, desperately seeking a solution to this mental roadblock. Yet, as I sit on this wall, I’m reminded that we’re all in search of something to fill the void and alleviate anxiety. I know there must be an end to this uncertainty, but for now, I’ll just keep scrolling through Zillow.
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In summary, as we navigate the complexities of life during a pandemic, many find themselves questioning their paths and seeking change. Whether it’s through small adjustments or significant life decisions, the journey remains a collective one filled with uncertainties and hopes for brighter days ahead.