After saying “I do” in 2008, I never envisioned myself dating again. I made promises and established a life that looked like a fairy tale. However, life often takes unexpected turns. A few years after my husband passed away from a fast-progressing cancer, the thought of dating transitioned from “never again” to “maybe someday.” And now, that someday has arrived.
Suddenly, I find myself as a thirty-something widowed mother of two contemplating dating after over a decade of being single. I anticipated the profound grief that comes with moving forward while still holding onto the past. What I didn’t foresee was my children’s behavior around my new boyfriend. My nine-year-old son seems to turn into a wild child, especially during mealtimes.
I was careful when introducing my kids to him. Before I even met my boyfriend, I had discussions with my children about my desire to start dating. I reassured them that they would always be my priority and that their father would never be forgotten. They seemed excited about the idea, albeit a bit nervous. Once my boyfriend and I became serious, my kids were eager to meet him. I waited for the right moment, bracing myself for awkward encounters. Surprisingly, awkwardness was the least of my concerns.
Our first shared meal was spaghetti. Instead of using a fork, my son held a piece of spaghetti in each hand, licking the sauce off before taking a bite, leaving behind limp strands. Since that initial meal, he’s eaten rice with no hands, propped his feet up on the table, and even showcased half-chewed food. My daughter, while somewhat more composed, frequently jumps off furniture and encourages her brother’s antics, displaying behavior I’ve never witnessed from her before.
Too often, I’ve put them to bed confused by their conduct. I thought I had taught them proper table manners, but you wouldn’t know it from their antics during these meals. Honestly, I can’t believe my boyfriend hasn’t fled the scene yet!
I do try to curb their behavior as it happens. I give stern warnings and even threaten to take away video games when they act out. However, I prefer to address their behavior after the fact when they can process the evening without embarrassment in front of someone they hardly know.
I empathize with their behavior. They’re not misbehaving because they dislike him; rather, they’re overwhelmed by emotions they can’t articulate. They like my boyfriend, but he’s not their father, which is a confusing dynamic for them. Our family of three had finally settled into a comfortable routine, and change, even positive change, can be daunting.
As time has gone on, their behavior has improved. They still act out, leaving me to apologize to my boyfriend, who seems to take it all in stride. What my kids truly need during these gatherings is a bit of grace and space to navigate those overwhelming emotions. I promised them that they would always come first, which means allowing them some leeway (albeit with boundaries).
I know their manners will emerge, and my boyfriend will get to see the wonderful, kind-hearted sides of my children when they’re ready to share that part of themselves. In the meantime, spaghetti may be off the menu for a while.
For more insights on parenting during transitions, check out this related blog post here. For authoritative information on family dynamics, you can visit this resource or here.
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Summary:
After losing her husband, a widowed mother of two navigates the challenges of dating again while managing her children’s unexpected and wild behavior around her new boyfriend. Despite initial chaos at mealtimes, she understands that their antics stem from confusion and overwhelming emotions related to change. With time, she hopes her children will express their true selves and settle into this new dynamic.