I had come to terms with the reality that my child, who is on the autism spectrum, might never find his voice. I had reconciled myself to the fact that his future would differ from what I had once imagined for him, unlike that of most neurotypical kids. I had embraced his uniqueness and began to envision what his future might entail.
My son is incredibly bright. He possesses an extraordinary memory and picks up new skills rapidly. His problem-solving abilities are advanced for his age. He is kind, funny, and affectionate. These qualities are his strengths, and we have all learned to celebrate them. My partner, my daughter, and I feel fortunate to have him in our lives, and we have always taken pride in who he is.
Then came March 2020, and the onset of the global COVID-19 pandemic. With adults out of work and schools shut down, we isolated ourselves, waiting for the crisis to pass. During those months of strict quarantine, while we occasionally grew tired of each other’s company, something remarkable began to unfold.
My son started to communicate.
Now, don’t get me wrong—he’s not delivering lengthy speeches just yet. Much of what he says may not be easily understood by those around him. In addition to being on the autism spectrum, he has been diagnosed with Speech Apraxia. Each word he speaks requires significant effort; he struggles to form every sentence.
But every day brings something new. Sometimes he sings along with a movie, other times he spontaneously says goodbye to a family member. He is expressing himself, and it is nothing short of wonderful. This daily evolution is exciting, and my partner and I are thrilled.
Yet, I also feel an underlying fear.
A whole new world has just opened up for him. The possibilities I never dared to imagine are now within reach—it’s astonishing to realize that the future I once thought was unchangeable might hold so much more. For the first time, I have hope that he could become independent, hold a job, find his soulmate, or even live on his own, leaving laundry unkempt and cups scattered like other young adults.
But with hope comes anxiety, and the fear of losing that hope is daunting.
When I thought he would always be nonverbal, my thoughts were limited to the paths we could take: ASL tutors, ABA therapy, and eventually planning for his care when my partner and I are no longer around. I had grown comfortable on that path; it was predictable, with little uncertainty about what lay ahead. He would always be with us because he wouldn’t communicate verbally. Imagining him as a CEO or a surgeon felt unnecessary, and I was content with that; my son is extraordinary no matter how he communicates.
However, I now see that my previous comfort was merely a shadow, not the full picture of reality.
Now that my son is beginning to speak, now that I’m witnessing his distinct personality emerge—complete with opinions, favorites, jokes, and fears—I find myself relishing this new development. I’m realizing how much I appreciate this surge of language and the flood of new words; I want this journey to continue.
Previously, I took pride in accepting my son just as he was; now, I can’t help but wonder how much more he could be. I used to guess what he might be thinking; now, I look forward to the meaningful conversations we can have late at night. I once believed he would need my care forever; now, I can’t help but picture grandchildren.
Hope has ignited within me, and it feels incredible. It’s like the joy of Christmas morning or the thrill of a new job promotion; it’s a rush of positivity that fills me with dreams and aspirations.
But this hope, these potential futures, hinge on my son’s continued progress. They depend on his ability to keep speaking, growing, and thriving. What if that progress stalls? What if he regresses?
Hope can be the most terrifying emotion of all.
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Summary:
During the lockdown, a mother realizes her nonverbal son, who is on the autism spectrum, has begun to communicate. This newfound ability brings both joy and anxiety, as it opens up a world of possibilities and hope for the child’s future. The journey of acceptance and the fear of regression intertwine as she navigates her shifting expectations.