My adopted son became part of our family at the age of nine. Initially, my partner and I had no intentions of adopting, but a family crisis led to his need for a stable home. We were aware that integrating an older child into our lives would present its challenges, yet we felt confident in our ability to provide a nurturing environment.
However, we were unprepared for the complexities that accompany adopting an older child.
Our adoption journey is unique. My son is actually my nephew; his birth mother is the youngest of ten siblings, while my father is the eldest. Her sudden health crisis due to diabetes complications left her unable to care for him, making our adoption necessary. Despite the unusual circumstances, we still faced the typical hurdles of the adoption process.
I assumed that securing full custody would be straightforward, given the support from his birth mom. However, navigating the foster care system and family court proved far more complicated than I anticipated. What I thought would take just a few months stretched into nearly two years of legal battles. Court dates were frequently postponed, and on multiple occasions, we faced delays due to missing paperwork. Astonishingly, even after five years of having legal custody, the formal adoption process remains incomplete.
Adopting older children often brings additional complications related to their birth families. It’s common for relatives to contest the adoption, as the foster system typically prioritizes reunification with biological parents. In our case, while my family supported the adoption, my son’s birth father raised custody objections, which added emotional strain to an already difficult situation.
Separating a child from their birth family is inherently traumatic, regardless of their background. The older the child, the more cognizant they are of their circumstances. My son had to transition across the country to live with relatives he barely knew, adjusting to a new home, new siblings, and a new school—all while grappling with the reality of his mother’s illness.
We quickly recognized the necessity of counseling and family therapy. My son needed to process a whirlwind of emotions, which sometimes manifested as anger or withdrawal. Like many adoptive parents, I wished I could shoulder his burdens, never truly grasping how difficult this transition would be for him. All we could do was provide unwavering support and engage with professionals to facilitate his healing.
Older children often come with a significant emotional history, which requires extensive support to navigate. They need time and professional guidance to help them process these feelings.
Another unexpected aspect of our journey was helping our biological children adapt to having a new sibling. My eldest child transitioned from being the oldest to the middle child, which was an adjustment neither of us foresaw. Initially, he struggled with this change, but thankfully, over time, he and my adopted son developed a close bond, often teaming up to tease their younger siblings.
We also had to reconcile that our parenting style differed significantly from what my son was accustomed to. Coming from a single-parent household, he found it challenging to adapt to having an active father figure in his life. Our contrasting rules, expectations, and communication styles created a learning curve for us all, requiring patience and consistent dialogue.
I have always emphasized open communication, striving to help my son understand the reasons behind our approaches. Given that he sometimes grapples with feelings of being an outsider, I want to ensure he feels a genuine sense of belonging. However, integrating into a new family as an older child can inherently evoke feelings of exclusion, which should never fall on the child to mitigate.
Adopting any child is a tumultuous journey filled with unforeseen challenges. It’s impossible to fully comprehend the depths of patience and understanding required until you’re immersed in the experience. Commitment is essential; at a minimum, every adopted child deserves a home where they feel cherished, accepted, and secure.
Tragically, we lost my son’s birth mother over three years ago. Yet, I am grateful that we were there to support him through that heartache. He has transformed from a scared, uncertain child into a confident and thriving teenager, complete with the typical mood swings and moments of growth. Each day continues to bring new opportunities for learning and development, and despite all we’ve faced, I would choose to adopt my son a thousand times over.
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Summary:
Adopting an older child can be a complex and emotional journey filled with unexpected challenges. From navigating the legal system and dealing with the child’s birth family to supporting a new family dynamic and addressing the child’s emotional needs, the process requires patience, understanding, and professional support. Despite the difficulties, the experience can lead to profound growth and connection within the family.