I share my home with three teenagers who have opted for 100% online learning this year. So, you could say we spend a lot of time together since I work from home. But the reality is quite different. Right now, it’s nearing 11 a.m., and I’ve only seen my eldest for a brief five minutes while he was getting breakfast as I rummaged through the dryer for my running gear.
After my shower, I checked on my daughter, who was glued to her computer screen, fixated on her math teacher. My youngest is MIA, but I can hear him moving around in his room, so I’m confident he’s doing okay.
When they first started retreating to their own spaces, I felt heartbroken. After school, they’d come home, grab a snack, and give me a few nonchalant shrugs as I tried to engage them about their day, often disappearing to their rooms until I called them for dinner.
I used to knock on their doors to coax them out. I even offered them ice cream and promised dinners at their favorite restaurants just to spend some time together. I felt lonely and as though everything was off balance. One minute, I had three energetic kids eager to share their day over a Starbucks run, and the next, they were all hiding away in their rooms.
You may find yourself wishing for quieter days when they were younger, and when you finally get them, it feels strange and unnatural, leading you to think, “This isn’t what I meant.”
From conversations with other parents of teens, I’ve learned this is a normal phase. It’s not a reflection of you. Although they may express embarrassment over your presence, it’s really about them, not you. Teenagers are in a phase of self-exploration; they want to connect with friends (even if it’s online), expand their social circles, and carve out their identities apart from their parents.
Is it normal? Yes. Is it tough? Absolutely.
What I’ve figured out that works with all three of my teens (who are close in age yet very different in their approaches) is simple: it’s perfectly fine, and often beneficial, to give them space.
If they’re holed up in their rooms for days, it’s because they need that time. I’m not suggesting you completely ignore them; it’s still important to check in, ask questions, and show your support, care, and love (even if they seem to ignore you, they’re listening).
However, it’s crucial to remember that whether they’re wrestling with something or simply seeking solitude, it’s okay to let them be. It’s fine to be concerned, but you don’t need to intervene every ten minutes, thinking there’s a magical solution that will bring back the chatty kids they used to be.
My youngest, now 14, has transformed his room into a personal sanctuary complete with special lighting and a mini fridge. He’s even nurturing plants and some ants he’s taken under his care. When my older kids were his age, they also preferred their rooms, and I was troubled by it.
What did it signify? Were they okay? What did it say about my parenting? Would they ever revert to their former selves, the ones who used to enjoy spending time with me?
So, I pressed them. I invaded their space, smothering them when I should have respected their need for seclusion. This approach helped no one. Eventually, I understood that simply allowing them their independence could make a world of difference.
Now, my two oldest, aged 17 and 15, emerge from their rooms more often and engage in conversation with me. They are not the same children they were at ten, and that’s perfectly alright because they are becoming who they’re meant to be.
Everyone changes, requires space, and we, as parents, must recognize that our teens retreating into their rooms is a natural part of their development. They know they’re welcome to join us at any time for family movie nights or to accept our many invitations, but they don’t always feel like it—and that’s just fine.
Let them be, and I assure you they will come around more quickly than if you continuously pressure them. I learned this the hard way so you don’t have to.
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Summary:
Navigating relationships with teenagers can be challenging, especially when they seek independence and spend more time in their rooms. It’s essential to recognize that this behavior is normal and not a reflection of your parenting. By giving them space and respecting their need for solitude, you can foster a healthier relationship. Checking in occasionally while allowing them to figure things out on their own will help them feel supported without feeling smothered.