My partner, Mark, and I find ourselves in the laundry room simultaneously. He’s transferring wet clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, while I’m on a quest for the broom to tidy up lunch’s remnants. For a fleeting moment, our bodies brush against each other, and we exchange a knowing glance. But then, we hear one of our kids—who’s engaged in remote learning—let out a loud wail. Just like that, the moment fades, and we’re back to our parenting duties.
The pandemic has certainly taken a toll on our intimate life, and I know we’re not alone in this. With the constant cycle of daily responsibilities, finding time for romance has slipped down our list of priorities. In fact, it’s not even on any list right now.
Date nights used to set the stage for intimacy. A quiet dinner at a restaurant while a babysitter managed the kids was a surefire way to gear up for some weekend passion. Those days feel long gone. With no babysitters, no date nights, and no dining out options, our evenings are spent in the company of our children, often at an early dinner time of around 5:30 PM. By the time the kids are in bed, we’re too drained to consider a romantic evening.
Experts suggest scheduling intimacy—just jot it down on the calendar and commit to it. But we all know intimacy doesn’t work that way. Sure, we could try sneaking in a quick rendezvous while the kids are occupied, but there are Zoom meetings, work calls, and lunch breaks that take precedence. Interruption is practically guaranteed every minute.
Quickies might sound appealing, but many women, including myself, would argue that it takes time to get in the mood. The idea of a spontaneous encounter seems great, but it’s nearly impossible to switch gears from helping with math homework to getting romantic in a matter of minutes. How are we supposed to transition from Common Core to something more intimate when there are children constantly vying for our attention?
We often find ourselves out of sync, rarely in the mood at the same time. The pandemic has heightened our work demands and forced us to juggle remote learning for our kids, all while living and working in the same space—creating a chaotic environment devoid of romance. Our home is cluttered with books, papers, and toys, and there’s always more work to be done. In movies, couples can push everything off a desk or countertop and dive into passion, but that’s not our reality. I can hardly step into any room without a kid trailing closely behind.
Many friends share similar experiences. While we’re grateful for the safety of sheltering at home, it doesn’t magically transform our lives into a romantic fantasy. Both Mark and I often look worn out, and the last thing we want to do is slip into something more comfortable to ignite any spark.
We shuffle around, sipping lukewarm coffee, assisting kids with Zoom calls, reheating leftovers, and responding to work emails. Most days, we feel like zombies, not lovers. The ongoing pandemic is a serious mood killer.
Perhaps we should just try to fake it until we make it, but that’s not really our style. Instead, we accept this dry spell. Experts may advise us to make an effort, but the truth is, most people I know are running low on energy, motivation, and inspiration. We’re simply trying to get through each day without breaking down.
We’re washing masks, distributing hand sanitizer, helping with schoolwork, running the dishwasher, and managing work responsibilities. We brew coffee, make grocery trips, and try to squeeze in recess breaks with the kids.
We’re doing our best, regardless of what the experts say. Those who can leisurely enjoy intimacy on a Tuesday afternoon likely have help at home—unlike the rest of us who are juggling jobs and parenting.
There are times when I feel guilty about our dwindling intimacy—not because I feel pressured to perform, but because it’s a need we both share. Afterward, we’re usually in much better spirits. The issue is that timing and location never seem to align, and life is too unpredictable right now to promise a romantic encounter.
I don’t believe we’re failing by not adhering to a specific number of intimate moments each week. We aren’t failing simply because it’s challenging to balance work, parenting, and life during a global pandemic. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate the chaos of 2020. It’s cliché, but true: it is what it is.
I also recognize that intimacy isn’t the only way to connect with our partners. After over twenty years together, being part of a couple means understanding each other’s needs, whether that’s offering a compliment, lending a hand, or sharing a collective eye-roll when the kids are acting up. Togetherness isn’t confined to the bedroom.
We need to acknowledge that COVID-19 has shifted many aspects of our lives, including intimacy. It’s okay not to feel in the mood. It’s perfectly fine to nurture our partnership in various ways. It’s also alright to disregard the unrealistic advice from experts, as they often don’t grasp the realities faced by those of us living in this challenging new normal. If the moment feels right for intimacy and the timing aligns, then we should embrace it. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
For more insights on navigating intimacy during these times, check out our other blog post here. You might also find valuable information from this authority on lupus and this excellent resource on pregnancy.
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Summary:
The pandemic has greatly impacted many couples’ intimate lives, with the shift to remote work and learning creating a chaotic environment that leaves little room for romance. As parents juggle daily responsibilities and the demands of their children, finding time for intimacy has become increasingly difficult. Despite the advice from experts to schedule intimate moments, the reality is that many couples are too exhausted and overwhelmed to make it happen. Acknowledging this reality and nurturing the relationship in other ways can help couples navigate these challenging times.