Nothing screams “pandemic-driven financial crisis” quite like splurging on a $2,000 Ouija board from GOOP. What do you get when you mix a waning full moon, a three-day election, the looming threat of a virus, economic downturn, and Gwyneth Paltrow? The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide, of course! It’s here, it’s tone-deaf, and astronomical unemployment rates along with the collapse of small businesses are not going to deter Gwyneth from sharing it. Thank goodness for that.
Yes, GOOP’s “Ridiculous but Amazing Gift Guide” is here—because the wealthy still have cash to burn, and they’re determined to spend it instead of just letting it go up in smoke, which is bad for the planet.
Featured Items
BED, $38,000
GOOP X Avocado
Simply labeled “Bed” in the guide, which felt pretentious until I clicked the link and discovered it’s actually titled “Bespoke, Artisanal Bed For Conscious Living.” Yes, it really says that. The price starts at $38,000—rich-person lingo for “you can settle for the mediocre $38k version, or you can go for the high-end model.”
Carbon Negative Vodka, $75
Air Company
This supposedly eco-friendly vodka may sound good, but just wait until you find yourself ordering “carbon negative vodka straight up” at a bar—then you might start questioning your life choices.
Ouija Board, $1,995
EDIE PARKER
When I was a kid, my friends and I once contacted a ghost named “Jimbo” with a Ouija board, and it terrified us. Now you can buy this high-end piece of paranormal potential for just under two grand—a bargain for something that could haunt you for years.
Pyramid Commode, $35,000
ELIZABETH PAIGE SMITH
Just to clarify, a commode isn’t just a toilet; it also refers to a chest of drawers. I’ve never heard anyone refer to it that way outside of elite circles. Imagine my surprise thinking it was a fancy toilet! If you have $35,000 to drop on a single piece of furniture, enjoy it while others are struggling to make ends meet.
Custom Birth Sill, $7,500
STILIYANA MINKOVSKA
This one comes with a full-size man and an actual human baby—so it’s actually a pretty good deal.
Watermelon Bag, price available upon request
Tsuchiya Kaban
This leather bag is specifically designed for carrying a whole watermelon. The price is “available upon request,” which really means, “you can’t afford this, so stick with that Trader Joe’s bag you’ve used for years and has a hole.”
StudyPod, from $13,600
Study Pod
As my children create chaos around me during virtual school, I would trade anything for this Study Pod. Clearly, I was born into the wrong financial bracket.
For more outrageous gift ideas, check out this blog post that delves into unique home insemination kits. If you’re interested in more about self-insemination, this resource is a great authority on the subject. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit the CDC for trusted guidance.
Search Queries:
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In summary, the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide showcases an array of extravagant and often absurd gift ideas, reflecting a disconnect from the realities many are facing today. From a $38,000 bed to a $1,995 Ouija board, the guide is a testament to the extravagant spending habits of the wealthy, even amid economic turmoil.