In the wake of George Floyd’s tragic death and the subsequent outpouring of activism, many Black individuals are grappling with numerous emotions. As more white individuals begin to confront their own biases and develop a heightened awareness, their desire to express empathy and solidarity toward their Black friends is growing. However, what may appear to be a straightforward gesture—reaching out to check in—can feel quite complicated for many of us within the Black community.
There are certainly those who appreciate and welcome their white friends’ outreach, which is perfectly valid. It’s natural to want affirmation from those we care about. Yet, for many, including myself, interacting with friends during this turbulent time feels daunting. Questions like “How are you?” seem simple, but the truth is, many of us lack a definitive answer.
I understand that my white friends have good intentions, and I truly value their concern. I don’t want them to think I’m upset with them for showing kindness. The reality, however, is that I currently lack the emotional energy to engage deeply. While I can say I’m fine on the surface—my immediate environment is stable—the broader issues weighing on my mind are impossible to ignore. So, although I might claim to be okay, it doesn’t capture the full scope of my experiences.
Right now, my emotions fluctuate unpredictably. One moment, I might find myself laughing at a meme, and the next, a song lyric can unleash a wave of sadness. This emotional turmoil complicates how I respond to check-ins. I often feel pressured to provide a response that aligns with what I believe my friends want to hear. Sharing the raw truth of my feelings can inadvertently shift the burden of our collective pain onto them, which is not something I’m prepared for.
When someone asks how I’m doing, it carries a weight that can be hard to navigate. If I express my genuine feelings, I might invite responses of sympathy that I’m simply not equipped to handle right now. It’s not that I doubt their sincerity; it’s just that I need space to process my emotions without feeling the need to reassure others. Thus, I find myself opting for answers that are less revealing, aiming to wrap up the conversation quickly without seeming dismissive.
At this moment, many of your Black friends are wrestling with complex emotions. Responding to inquiries about our feelings can feel exhausting. We are visibly carrying the weight of our pain in a world that often demands we articulate it for others’ understanding.
It’s crucial to recognize that the expectation for us to share our grief publicly is exhausting. When a police officer takes the life of a Black person, we are often pressured to respond, as if our pain is a performance for others. This is a burden that white individuals generally do not face when they grapple with their own wrongdoing.
The reality is, many of us are not okay right now. Our struggles are profound, and we shouldn’t feel compelled to expose our wounds for the sake of someone else’s discomfort. The act of checking in can sometimes feel like an invitation to bare our souls, and that is a request that can be too heavy to bear.
When asked how I am, do you truly expect me to share my fears for my family’s safety? To articulate my worries about my loved ones simply existing in a world that often views them as threats? I doubt that the usual responses of “I’m sorry” will suffice in those moments.
Instead of directly asking how we are, a simple message indicating that you are thinking of us or sending love can be far more supportive. This way, you can express your feelings without putting us in a position to respond with more than a heart emoji. Holding space for us, without probing questions, is what we truly need right now.
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In summary, while the intent behind checking in on Black friends is often rooted in care and concern, the emotional complexities of this moment necessitate a more nuanced approach. Acknowledging our struggles without demanding detailed responses can foster a space of understanding and support.