Growing up, my father strictly adhered to the belief that “children should be seen and not heard.” If my siblings and I noticed our parents making a mistake, we were taught to keep our mouths shut. We tried voicing our concerns in our early years but quickly learned it wasn’t worth the consequences. My father’s temper was notorious; he didn’t hesitate to reprimand us both in public and at home.
At the time, I harbored resentment toward my father. His rigid rules and constant insistence on being right felt suffocating. Whenever I stayed over at friends’ houses, I envied their freedom: they got to choose their breakfast, personalize their rooms, and even wear trendy outfits. They had a voice, unlike us, who were expected to remain silent.
Reflecting on my upbringing, I understand now that my father’s strictness stemmed from his own background—a large family and a rigid Southern Baptist upbringing, combined with his military experience, made him feel dismissed and powerless. He found solace in asserting his authority, often proclaiming, “I’m always right” and “real men don’t cry.” This led to my siblings and me feeling like our opinions were worthless, a mindset that affected our relationships and boundaries later in life.
I remember one particular night when my father picked me up from a high school dance, clearly intoxicated. I kept quiet, fearing punishment. That moment solidified my resolve to be a different kind of parent. I wanted to foster an environment where my children felt empowered to speak up, especially when I was wrong—because we all make mistakes in this life.
While some may interpret my son’s assertions about my driving routes or my comments on his brother’s clothing as backtalk, I see it differently. It’s essential for my kids to assert themselves and express their opinions instead of conforming to silence.
I appreciate that my children feel comfortable calling me out when necessary. This isn’t about being disrespectful; it’s about standing up for themselves and articulating their feelings in a respectful manner. For example, if I’m short-tempered, they remind me how my mood impacts the household atmosphere. I’ve spent years teaching them not to take their frustrations out on others, yet here I am sometimes doing the very thing I warned them about.
I was particularly proud of my daughter when she insisted on addressing a missing assignment in her student portal. She had already submitted it, and the teacher had overlooked it. Unlike me, who would have quietly accepted the situation, she stood her ground.
I don’t claim to possess all the answers, nor do I want my children to fear challenging their often-stubborn mother. I need their input, especially since I often forget why I entered a room! My goal is to teach them that it’s okay to be wrong and that there are respectful ways to challenge authority.
Most importantly, I hope that their ability to call me out when I err will empower them to speak up about significant issues—whether it’s advocating for themselves, addressing social injustices, or reporting uncomfortable situations. My kids often remind me to be more mindful of my choices, especially concerning my dietary habits, which can lead to less-than-pleasant consequences.
Whether the issue is trivial or significant, our children have a desire to be heard, and it is our responsibility as parents to create space for their voices.
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Summary
In this article, Samantha Lee reflects on her upbringing under a strict father who instilled a “children should be seen and not heard” mentality. Recognizing the impact this had on her self-expression, she aims to raise her kids to be confident in voicing their opinions and challenging her when necessary. By fostering open communication, she hopes to empower her children to stand up for themselves and others in various aspects of life.