As an ER doctor, I find myself caught in a tug-of-war between my passion for medicine and the well-being of my family. My journey took a significant turn when my son, Leo, entered the world during my third year of emergency medicine residency. After six weeks of maternity leave, I returned to the demanding environment of the ER, feeling a strange disconnect with my new role as a mother. While I beamed with pride when sharing stories about my son, I struggled to truly embrace the bond that many parents experience right away. The truth was, bonding took time, a luxury that the medical field often doesn’t allow.
I faced the challenges of sleepless nights, juggling pumping sessions during 14-hour shifts, and trying to connect with Leo every chance I got. Just as I was starting to feel more like a mother, COVID-19 struck. By then, Leo had begun to light up with joy when I came home, making the idea of sending him away during the pandemic even more painful. The fear of exposing him to an unknown and deadly virus loomed large, overshadowing my professional identity.
With the world labeling healthcare workers as heroes, I felt anything but heroic. I was terrified—of the virus, of my patients, and of the potential risk to my family. Each day, as I donned my protective gear, I tried to convey warmth and reassurance to my patients despite feeling a deep sense of dread. The intimacy of medicine, the comforting touch, and the human connection seemed to vanish in the face of this crisis.
The uncertainty of COVID-19 meant that I was often left grappling with sleepless nights, questioning my role as a mother while fulfilling my duties as a physician. I felt selfish for exposing my family to this risk. The thought of quitting crossed my mind multiple times; yet, the idea of leaving behind a career I love was equally heartbreaking.
After many discussions with my partner, we decided to keep Leo with us, taking all possible precautions without distancing ourselves from each other. As an ER physician, I had become accustomed to facing risks, but when the pandemic hit, the stakes felt higher than ever. Initially, we were told masks were not necessary, only to later be provided with limited access to protective equipment. This inconsistency made it hard to trust the system.
As the weeks passed, the fear began to ease, reminding me of my calling—to heal and to be present for my patients. I returned to the bedside, offering comfort to those facing the end of their lives, connecting with their families through video calls, and providing a semblance of hope amidst despair.
Now, as I navigate my dual roles, I find joy in my son’s laughter and the gratitude of my patients. My experiences have deeply intertwined my identity as a physician and as a mother. Each day, I embrace the love from Leo, which mirrors the appreciation I receive from those I care for. Amidst the chaos, I’ve learned to cherish every moment, finding solace in my dual identity while wearing my “alien suit” in the ER.
Helpful Resources for Expectant Parents
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Conclusion
In summary, my journey as an ER physician and a mother has been fraught with challenges, fears, and realizations. The pandemic has reshaped my perspective on both my career and my family life, ultimately reinforcing my commitment to both roles.