Parenting
How the ‘RULER’ Method Keeps Me Grounded When My Kids Are Overwhelmed
by Jenna Martin
Updated: March 30, 2021
Originally Published: May 11, 2020
Just last week, I found myself sitting alone in my dimly lit bedroom, cradling my baby while tears streamed down my cheeks. It had been quite a day. My typically calm children were struggling with overwhelming emotions, bouncing off each other’s negative energy. It felt like chaos: crying, shouting, and stomping dominated the atmosphere.
As an adult, I understood that they were likely just bored and stressed from being cooped up at home during a global pandemic. With schools closed and regular life disrupted, it was a lot to handle. Nevertheless, their outbursts triggered my own frustrations. All the gentle parenting techniques I usually adhered to slipped away as anxiety took over.
I ended up yelling—something I tend to do when overwhelmed, but this was on another level. I was barking commands like a drill sergeant, while my kids, my little ‘monsters,’ stomped around in protest. Unsurprisingly, yelling didn’t create a peaceful home; it only escalated the chaos. My husband and our infant watched in confusion as bedtime became a battlefield of tempers.
After retreating to my room, I cried and felt like a failure as a parent. The next morning, I took a moment with each of my kids to acknowledge the previous day’s struggles. I reassured them that it’s okay to have tough days and apologized for not handling the situation better. I even attempted to discuss my oldest son’s feelings about the day before, but as it was too late, he couldn’t articulate what he had felt.
This chaotic day is not typical for us. I usually have a strong connection with my children’s emotions. Since my oldest began speaking, we’ve engaged in conversations about feelings. We’ve always validated their emotions, recognizing that they are full individuals from birth. However, during this pandemic, being together constantly has heightened our emotions, making it easier for my kids’ big feelings to trigger my own.
As the adult, it’s my responsibility to ensure my children can explore their emotions without fear of repercussions—like a mom losing her cool and then apologizing later, which isn’t the healthiest cycle. I know I can do better, and expert advice supports this approach.
Dr. Sam Lee, a child psychologist and author, suggests memorizing the acronym “RULER.” RULER stands for Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, and Regulate. This strategy not only helps you understand your own feelings but also guides children in exploring their emotions, ultimately teaching them how to manage intense feelings independently.
Emotional regulation is one of the most challenging yet vital skills for our children to learn. They must navigate their emotions to tackle daily tasks and solve problems. No one is born knowing how to calm themselves; we must teach our kids these skills, which means we also need to learn.
Children need to feel safe expressing their emotions without fear of consequences. They should know that intense feelings are temporary and manageable. The key is simply being present. Sometimes, you don’t need to engage verbally or fix the problem—just sitting quietly with your child can help them regain their composure.
If being present isn’t sufficient, there are practical techniques that can assist. For younger children, a glitter jar can be soothing. Breathing exercises can also be beneficial, such as counting breaths while blowing out each finger like a candle. I’ve seen parents ask their kids to rate their anger on a scale from 1 to 10, then guide them to count down with deep breaths until they can talk about what’s bothering them. The key is to find what works best for your child.
However, maintaining calm is incredibly tough when your kids are acting out and your own emotions flare. Parents also require strategies. Recognizing when your feelings are about to boil over is crucial. When I feel my tension building, I take a couple of minutes for myself to remember that my kids are still learning and to focus on my love for them.
Reflecting positively about my children helps me feel more patient and engaged with them. I’ve been a mom for seven years and know better, yet I still falter. I have tools at my disposal, and I didn’t utilize them that day. My failure to regulate myself meant I couldn’t help my kids learn to regulate their emotions either, and they missed an important lesson.
Forgiveness is another essential piece of this puzzle. There’s no benefit in dwelling on my mistakes. My kids will have more emotional outbursts, and I can improve next time. I always apologize when I lose my temper to model healthy behavior.
Even if this concept feels new, now is a perfect time to start practicing emotional regulation. We are spending unprecedented amounts of time with our children, presenting ample opportunities to teach them how to manage their feelings. It’s never too late for parents to become more patient and emotionally aware, which in turn will benefit their kids.
Dr. Lee emphasizes, “A child’s brain is still developing. The moment you start regulating your emotions better, their brains will adapt accordingly.”
For further insights on parenting and emotional intelligence, check out this post on essential parenting books. If you’re interested in learning more about managing emotions in the workplace, you can visit this resource on comfort at work. And for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination, this site provides excellent insights.
Summary
The ‘RULER’ method can significantly enhance emotional regulation for both parents and children. By recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions, families can create a supportive environment for navigating challenging feelings, especially during stressful times like a pandemic. Learning to manage emotions is vital for children’s development, and parents can model this behavior through their own practices. It’s never too late to improve emotional intelligence in the household.