Updated: April 17, 2020
Originally Published: April 17, 2020
If you’re a mother, you’ve likely chuckled at the viral clips of other moms navigating their chaotic days cooped up with their kids. In my ongoing chats with friends—sharing our struggles, calming each other’s nerves, and debating how much wine is too much wine—I’ve received numerous messages echoing the same sentiment: “You’ve got this, mama” (often accompanied by the flexing bicep emoji). This sisterhood has been a silver lining amid the chaos, but I can’t shake off a persistent question: Where are the fathers?
I know where my partner is. I can see him right now as I type this in the notes app on my phone, trying to help my toddler dress her dolls. He’s at his desk, maintaining his routine as if everything is normal.
To be fair, I took leave from my full-time position a week before the nation went into lockdown. You might wonder why? In my quest to “do it all”—work full-time, write, and parent—I began to experience a range of health issues: insomnia, heart palpitations, unwanted weight loss, anxiety that required medication, and frequent colds. When a work-related situation triggered my first panic attack, my doctor said, “Enough is enough.”
I was supposed to return to work (from home) this week, but I decided to extend my leave upon realizing that balancing work and caring for my child was impossible given our household dynamics—dynamics that have become painfully clear during this crisis. What I’ve discovered—and what has surprised me as someone who identifies as a feminist—is that I’ve contorted myself to make life easier for my husband. I’ve become that partner who “takes care of everything” to allow him to concentrate on his job.
Let me clarify: My husband isn’t a bad guy. He’s not lazy. He cleans obsessively, does the dishes, and changes diapers—though certainly not as many as I do, but who’s counting? (I am. I’m keeping track.) Just the other day, I walked in to see him clipping our daughter’s nails, and I felt a rush of pride.
So yes, he does help. But it’s not a fair split.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve taken on approximately 71% of the childcare responsibilities, while my husband has managed about 29%. I can calculate this so accurately because I handle nearly everything for our daughter except for a couple of hours in the afternoon (my friend was shocked when I said, “You get TWO HOURS?!” as if claiming any time for myself was radical).
Since I’m on leave from my job (which I acknowledge is a significant privilege), it makes sense that I’d take on more childcare. However, I’m convinced that if I resumed work, the percentages would remain similar. My husband would be engrossed in his laptop, while I would continue to stretch myself thin, likely worsening the health issues that prompted my leave in the first place.
Despite doing the majority of the childcare during this pandemic, I still find myself convincing others (and myself) that my husband is equally engaged. Recently, I shared a photo of him carrying a bunch of our daughter’s dolls with the caption, “Dad-ing so hard.” The reality behind the image is that he was simply moving the dolls from her crib because I couldn’t carry both her and all of them. After that, he returned to his work for nine hours straight.
The reason I downplay the truth is that I genuinely want to believe we have a 50/50 household. It’s what I was led to expect growing up in an era of female empowerment. Admitting that we don’t have that feels like a personal failure—a betrayal of feminist ideals.
In previous generations, there was a clear division of labor: women handled the housework and childcare while men earned the income. The feminist movement made it possible for women to earn their own paychecks, but the household responsibilities didn’t shift in equal measure. We were told girls could do anything boys could do, yet no one addressed the need for boys to take on their share of household duties. As a result, women often end up doing everything (and developing a range of health issues).
In many ways, our generation of women is allowing men to contribute less than 50% because we’re reluctant to admit that we haven’t demanded equality. We create all sorts of excuses: “He’s just not built for childcare like I am.” We wear our subservience like a badge: “I’m just better at this than he is.” Men are more than willing to accept this narrative: “Wow, babe, you’ve got everything under control!” We raise our fists in solidarity: “Women should lead the world!” While women likely could lead, we ignore the fact that men must better support us to do so.
I don’t believe all husbands are lazy; many are just caught up in a system that predates us. Some genuinely think that “mother knows best.” They might lack confidence as fathers and default to traditional roles. Mothers may reinforce this belief, inadvertently stepping up as the primary caregiver. This creates a harmful cycle: women take charge, men step back. And thus, a marital dynamic is formed.
When I recognized this pattern in my own relationship and voiced my frustrations to my husband, he looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. When I tried to explain my mental and physical struggles due to the overwhelming expectations I faced daily, he suggested I read books on time management. Seriously.
My husband insists, “I do more than most men,” to which I reply, “That’s great, but it’s not a fair split.” When he claims, “I think it’s 50/50,” I struggle to counter that. His misperception benefits him; I suspect he clings to it as tightly as our daughter clings to her favorite pacifiers.
It’s no surprise that divorce rates are soaring right now. I can’t help but wonder if disputes over childcare are a contributing factor. Historically, most divorces are initiated by women, with many citing an inequitable division of labor as a primary reason. Many women are under immense pressure right now—acting as the lead parent even while their husbands are home, all while juggling their own work obligations. Add the general stress and anxiety of a global pandemic, and it’s a recipe for marital strife.
My close friend, Dr. Jane Harris, a licensed psychologist, put it succinctly: “Most couples aren’t accustomed to spending this much time together and have relied on other coping mechanisms (like working out, socializing, or hiring help) to manage their relationships and childcare duties. There’s no official guide for parenting during a pandemic; most couples are just trying to figure it out as they go along… hoping they don’t crash.”
To all the people I’ve misled on social media, here’s the reality of our quarantine: My husband, our daughter, and I rarely spend time together as a trio. I work for eight hours, my husband for two to three, and then we have a few hours of “together time,” which usually consists of me cooking dinner, our daughter “feeding” her dolls Play-doh, and my husband on his phone winning at Words with Friends (the other day, he remarked, “You could win if you spent more than 30 seconds thinking about your moves.” I’m still baffled that he thinks I have more than 30 seconds to spare for this game).
I felt compelled to extend my leave from work to avoid a potential divorce. My husband believes we could manage if I returned to work. It’s easy for him to be optimistic when he’s not shouldering most of the burden—he remarked today, “She’s been so easy lately!” I do worry that extending my leave could jeopardize my long-term career. Corporate America is quick to sideline or lay off women who prioritize family. Yet, it’s even harsher on men who dare to take a step back. It’s not that I think my husband’s job is more important than mine; it’s just that I don’t foresee a change in our childcare dynamics, so I have to make decisions that prioritize everyone’s wellbeing. I suppose I’m allowing the patriarchy to prevail—for now.
Let’s just hope I don’t catch the virus. I’m usually the one who comes down with illnesses (#motherhood). If I do become severely ill, our household will undoubtedly descend into chaos. And that would warrant another essay altogether.
This article was originally published on April 17, 2020.
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Summary:
This article highlights the disparity in childcare responsibilities within a family, particularly during the pandemic. Despite both partners working, one spouse often assumes the majority of the parenting duties, leading to frustration and potential strain on the relationship. The author reflects on societal expectations and the need for a more equitable division of labor in the household, emphasizing the importance of communication and understanding between partners.