I started drinking at the age of 13, but it took me years to recognize that I had a problem. It wasn’t about excessive drinking or landing in trouble with my job, the law, or my family. The real issue was my inability to cope with the full range of my emotions. Whether it was overwhelming sadness or even intense happiness, I turned to alcohol as a way to dull those feelings. My mind felt like it would explode if I didn’t use alcohol to temper those emotional swings. In doing so, I never learned how to sit with my feelings or understand that they would eventually pass. I feared I was demonstrating to my children that certain emotions are unbearable or unacceptable. I was inadvertently teaching my brain that I couldn’t manage life without alcohol.
With the support of coaches, books, and therapy, I realized that while I might not have a physical addiction, I had developed a psychological dependence on alcohol. I had been using it to soften the blows of life’s ups and downs. Throughout my life, friends and family have described me as intense and sensitive, often using those terms negatively. Now, I understand that these traits have actually been assets in my career as a physician and as a partner and parent.
As a teenager, I failed to appreciate the benefits of my emotional sensitivity; instead, I often felt isolated and disconnected. Alcohol and other substances seemed to ease the pain of perceived failures and losses, making me feel more sociable and less brooding, which was more in line with how I wanted to be perceived. After gathering all this insight, I resolved on February 29, 2020—a day that only comes once every four years—to quit drinking.
Then, on March 11, 2020, the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic. While my decision to stop drinking had no direct connection to this global crisis, it posed a unique challenge for those of us wrestling with substance issues. Would we continue to numb ourselves during this time of rising anxiety, or would we seize the opportunity to confront these intense emotions head-on without relying on alcohol?
I found myself at a crossroads. Should I postpone my commitment to sobriety? Surely, this was the worst time to quit drinking, I thought, recalling the movie “Airplane!” from my youth. Or perhaps this was the perfect moment to stop numbing myself and isolating from my emotions. As I hunkered down at home with my partner, children, and pets, cut off from the outside world except through digital means like text, phone calls, and Zoom, I realized it was the right time to embrace the full range of emotions this crisis would bring.
It hasn’t been easy. I often feel tempted when friends share images of “quarantinis” and beer deliveries. I experience anger at not being able to partake in the rituals that connect us through shared vices. However, those urges pass, and I notice how my life and relationships are transforming. Without the fog of morning fatigue, I exercise with renewed vigor and tackle my morning tasks with clarity. When my family wakes up, I’m prepared for the day, fully engaged in our new normal of working and learning together, without a headache or regrets.
At night, instead of losing myself in a couple of drinks and falling asleep on the couch, I’m present for my family with focus and attention. As the sun sets and we acknowledge yet another day of sheltering in place against an ever-present, unseen threat, we gather to share our feelings. I used to think I needed alcohol to navigate intense emotions, but I’ve discovered that it’s this genuine connection—unclouded by substances—that makes the chaos of this time manageable.
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In summary, my journey to sobriety came unexpectedly alongside a global pandemic. While the challenges of emotional management have intensified, the clarity and connections I’ve found without alcohol are proving to be invaluable during these uncertain times.