March 26, 2020
We’ve tackled tough conversations before, my children and I. We’ve discussed the concept of cancer and how it can alter a person’s behavior in unsettling ways. I’ve explained to them that sometimes, despite doctors’ best efforts, they can’t always heal someone. I’ve even had to utter the heartbreaking words, “Dad passed away last night.”
Recently, though, we faced another challenging discussion—not as grave as life and death, but still potentially disruptive to their lives. Following the guidance of their grief therapist, I gathered my ten-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son over a meal of hibachi noodles and fried rice to share that I had started dating. I aimed to keep it straightforward, referencing notes I had jotted down during a call with their therapist earlier that day. I reassured them that they would always be my top priority, and I wouldn’t introduce them to anyone new until I was confident this person was significant and here for the long haul. I wanted them to know that while my attention might occasionally shift, they would still have me completely—though they might have to adjust to the idea of a babysitter a few nights a week.
The therapist had warned me that they would feel a mix of confusion and excitement, but ultimately, they would be happy because I was happy. However, when I shared the news, their expressions shifted to shock and disbelief. For a moment, I felt like the most selfish parent on earth. How could I, after all they had endured, pursue my own happiness?
For what felt like an eternity, silence enveloped the room. Guilt washed over me as I grappled with the realization that dating was a decision made for my own sake. It meant less time with them and diverting some of my energy and attention—already stretched thin due to solo parenting and juggling two careers—towards a stranger.
Just as I was about to backtrack, they erupted into cheers. My daughter leaped from her chair, clapping, while my son’s eyes sparkled with curiosity. They bombarded me with questions: Who was I dating? Were we going to get married? How was I even meeting people? Who would take care of them when I went on my honeymoon? Did all phones have dating apps?
Their enthusiastic response was totally unexpected and infectious. I felt a rush of warmth as I answered their questions, keeping in line with the therapist’s advice to be honest yet simple. I had been vague about dating for months, trying to prepare myself before I introduced the idea to them. I was cautiously exploring this new chapter of my life, and sharing it with them meant I was diving in, not just testing the waters.
But soon, the more difficult questions surfaced. Would this person replace their father? Could they love both their father and someone new at the same time? The question that tugged at my heart the most was: Would we forget their dad if we liked this new guy?
Though I had anticipated questions about my time and priorities, I was unprepared for their concerns about love and affection. It was a pivotal moment, one that I needed to navigate carefully.
We’ve had these tough conversations before, looking into each other’s eyes and addressing the hard truths of life. So that evening, I shared another truth with them. I explained that remembering their dad is something we honor every time we speak his name. I reassured them that love doesn’t diminish; it expands. Our hearts are capable of more love than we can fathom, and welcoming someone new doesn’t mean we have to forget anyone else.
In the end, I reminded them that through the beauty of human connection, we always find the capacity to love more deeply.
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In summary, sharing my dating journey with my children revealed their unexpected enthusiasm and raised poignant questions about love and memory. Together, we navigated through their fears, reinforcing that love has no boundaries.