I’ve always had a deep connection with animals. Honestly, I’m just a few pets away from fitting the stereotype of the “crazy cat lady” in my neighborhood. It’s quite likely that by the time I’m 90, I’ll be living with a dozen stray cats and five rescue dogs. Animals seem to find me wherever I go (though I might have a knack for finding them). During my teenage years, I adopted several feral cats from the neighborhood. I even left a beach party in the Dominican Republic to spend time with a local stray dog. Eight years ago, a feral kitten climbed into the wheel well of my car, and she’s been part of our family ever since. One day, while shopping for cat food, I saw two juvenile cats being separated as one was adopted, so I took the other home. Now, I have three quirky rescue dogs.
Why do I have so many pets? It’s simple: they bring immense joy to my family and me. They teach us essential life lessons about love, responsibility, patience, and caregiving. More importantly, they also teach us about grief and loss.
When our elderly dog, Bella, showed signs that her time was nearing, we had a heartfelt discussion with our two children, ages five and eight at the time. We decided that our veterinarian would come to our home to help Bella pass peacefully in front of the fireplace, her favorite spot. We asked our kids if they wanted to be present and made childcare arrangements just in case. To our surprise, both opted to stay and participate in the farewell.
After spending the afternoon showering Bella with love, treats, and her favorite places in our home, we gathered in a circle around her on the living room floor while the vet and his assistant helped us say goodbye. Bella passed away in our arms, and it was both beautiful and heartbreaking. Saying farewell to Bella after 12 years was incredibly difficult, especially witnessing our children say goodbye to a pet they had known their whole lives.
Death is death. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. For many, the loss of a pet feels just as significant as losing a human family member — and for children, it is often their first encounter with death. It was for my boys. Bella was the first family member they lost, and while I wished to shield them from the pain, I realized that I couldn’t. Death is a part of life, just like birth, and one of my responsibilities as a parent is to help my children understand and process these experiences.
Having worked in bereavement for several years and having faced pet loss as a parent twice — once unexpectedly and once planned — I’ve gathered important insights on guiding children through pet loss.
1. Acknowledge Each Child’s Individuality
A family friend recently lost a dog, and I asked my kids for advice. One suggested, “Talk about it a lot. It helps to remember the stories and look through pictures.” The other said, “Focus on the fun times — vacations and movies. Don’t dwell on the dog.” Their different approaches highlight that each child grieves uniquely. What works for one child may not work for another. There is no one-size-fits-all method; it’s important to respect their individuality.
2. Be Transparent
If you notice your pet’s health declining, be honest with your children. Kids often pick up on the signs and are more perceptive than we think. Some may be tempted to replace a deceased pet quietly, particularly with smaller animals like hamsters or fish. I advise against this; children will eventually find out, and this type of deception can lead to confusion about death. Help them face these hard truths and view this as an opportunity for growth rather than an insurmountable challenge.
3. Involve Them in the Farewell
If euthanasia is on the table, explain, in age-appropriate terms, what’s happening with the pet. Let your children ask questions and be part of the process. While it may be daunting for parents, involving children can provide them with essential information to cope with the loss. It also shows them that their feelings and input are valued.
4. Provide Grief Literature
There are numerous books tailored to children at various developmental stages regarding pet loss. Consider purchasing or borrowing some, and keep them in a designated area at home. Let your children know they can read them independently or with you. This empowers them while also reassuring them of your support. A comprehensive list of these books can be found here.
5. Avoid Quick Clean-ups
While it might be tempting to put away reminders of the pet immediately, give your children time to process their grief. We had to remove Bella’s dog bed quickly, as it was too painful. However, we kept her collar on display. Her ashes and collar remain on our mantle as reminders of her significance in our family. Discuss with your children what items they’d like to keep visible.
6. Consider a Memorial
Though it may seem sentimental, a memorial service can be valuable for children. It allows them to express and share their grief. They can create drawings, write cards, or compile a memory book. Participation should be optional; let them decide how involved they want to be.
7. Schedule Quiet Family Time
After a pet loss, there can be a tendency to keep busy. While some distraction is helpful, it can also send the message that grieving isn’t acceptable. Set aside time for quiet family activities like watching movies, playing board games, or simply reading together. This can provide a safe space for emotions to surface.
8. Understand “Mad” and “Sad”
Anger and sadness are common reactions to loss. Children may express these feelings in ways that seem confusing or overwhelming. Some may act out or revert to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking or bedwetting. These responses are usually temporary and normalized. If they persist, consider seeking professional help.
9. Communicate with Other Adults
Inform teachers or other significant adults in your child’s life about the pet loss. This helps them understand if your child seems off and allows for additional support. For instance, when Bella passed, my boys’ teachers approached them to express condolences and offer a space to talk about it.
10. Be Authentic
As a parent, you’re also grieving. It’s okay for your children to see you cry. You don’t have to maintain a façade of strength. When Bella’s remains were returned to us, I broke down and cried, and my children joined me. This didn’t harm them; instead, it gave them a model for expressing grief. They learned that it’s normal and acceptable to feel pain.
Many might find these suggestions uncomfortable. Society often conditions us to avoid discussing grief and death. We’re taught to rush through mourning, but there is no such thing as closure. Grieving is a lifelong process. As parents, we can teach our children that it’s okay to experience and express grief, allowing for a healthier understanding of loss.
For more insights on navigating grief and loss, check out this post on resources for pregnancy. You can also find valuable information about fertility and insurance at Intracervical Insemination, and for a deeper understanding of the IVF process, visit Healthline.
In summary, helping children cope with pet loss involves recognizing their individuality, being honest, including them in the farewell process, providing grief literature, and allowing time for quiet reflection. Encourage emotional expression, communicate with other adults, and be authentic in your grief to model healthy coping mechanisms.