Growing up, my father was constantly consumed by financial worries. He often fretted about insufficient funds, my mother’s spending habits, and the looming possibility of losing everything—our home, our stability. This constant anxiety instilled in me a deep-seated fear that I was somehow to blame for our financial struggles. As a child, I internalized this trauma, leading me to believe I didn’t deserve anything nice or that my needs were secondary.
Recently, I found myself walking into a food bank for the first time. My partner, Alex, had been without a job for two months after finishing a freelance project, and my own income as a writer was barely enough to make ends meet. We’ve always lived paycheck to paycheck, often relying on family support and subsisting on simple meals. Yet nothing prepared me for the humbling experience of needing to seek assistance to feed our children.
As I entered the Maplewood Community Pantry, I was immediately struck by the sight of others waiting in line. I avoided eye contact, fearing that the vulnerability of the moment would overwhelm me. The staff were incredibly compassionate, treating me with kindness and respect as they processed my information. Their warm smiles made me feel like a valued guest, as they filled my bags with food. I resisted the urge to cry as they assured me that these eight bags were all mine.
As I made my way to the car, my arms heavy with groceries, I broke down in tears. I felt a whirlwind of emotions: humility, shame, guilt, and relief. I was grateful to have found a place where I could get food, yet I felt ashamed about my financial situation. I experienced guilt knowing that many depend on food banks regularly, while I was just beginning this journey, but I was relieved to know my children would have enough to eat that week.
Two days later, Alex and I visited the state office to apply for financial assistance. After an extensive interview, we received cards for monthly food stamps and Medicaid. That night, looking into Alex’s tear-filled eyes, I could only think about the little girl who once watched her father spiral into anxiety over money.
I’m aware of the connection between my current situation and the scars from my past. It feels like I’m living out my father’s financial fears, but I’ve realized I can endure this and still stand strong. Entering a food pantry is a unique experience—one that no one can fully explain until they’ve lived it themselves. I’m grateful I had the option to ask for help.
According to Feeding America, 1 in 7 Americans rely on local food banks for sustenance. Although our EBT card has temporarily alleviated the need to visit a food pantry again, I recognize that I was once in a position where I needed support. This experience has opened my eyes to the privileges I’ve had in accessing quality food throughout my life. I now empathize deeply with anyone facing the harsh reality of food insecurity.
As we continue to navigate these financial challenges, Alex has just received a job offer that will take him across the country, leaving me alone with our young children. The stress of this decision weighs heavily on me, but I am determined to do what it takes to ensure our family’s survival and future. I have embraced a fierce maternal instinct, ready to provide stability and support for my kids.
When I returned home with the food pantry bags, my five-year-old son greeted me with excitement, assuming I had visited our local market. He marveled at the treats and fresh food, blissfully unaware of the struggles we faced. Watching him enjoy the blueberry muffins, I realized how different his childhood would be from mine—free from the burdens of financial anxiety I once carried.
Visiting a food pantry reminded me of my strength as a mother. I’m committed to protecting my family and asking for help when needed. I am also healing the little girl inside me who feared she wouldn’t survive.
For more insights into navigating challenges and family dynamics, check out this post from our blog. If you’re seeking authoritative information on related topics, visit this resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Jenna Matthews shares her personal journey of dependence on a food bank, detailing the emotional complexities of seeking assistance for her family. Despite her past financial anxieties, she finds strength and resilience as she navigates her current struggles, determined to provide a stable environment for her children.