This morning, our home was filled with laughter and music. With Lizzo and Taylor Swift blaring in the background, my partner Jake decided to capture the joyful moment on his phone. My toddlers, a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old, danced with me, singing along to our favorite tunes, while Jake wore a big smile throughout.
But this cheerful scene is a temporary escape from the storm looming over our family. Tomorrow, Jake will board a plane and head across the country for a six-month job. I’ll be staying back East, tackling solo parenting—a role I’m familiar with. Jake’s work has often consumed him, filled with late nights and stress, and this new opportunity is no exception, except for one heartbreaking distinction:
My best friend, my partner, and the father of my children will be away for half a year.
After nearly a decade in California, I met Jake through an online dating platform following a difficult divorce. I quickly became a stepmom to his daughter and shortly after found myself pregnant with our first child. In just three years, we welcomed our daughter, Lily, got married in his family’s backyard, and then I was pregnant again with our son, Noah. Our journey together has been a whirlwind, but I never anticipated the lows we would face along the way.
Navigating the complexities of motherhood and being a stepmom has been incredibly challenging. I struggled to find stable work amidst the high costs of living in Los Angeles, which led to mental health issues I had never experienced before. Just after Lily turned three, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to unresolved childhood trauma, and the panic attacks and muscle spasms began to make sense. It felt as though the ground had shifted beneath me, forcing me to confront this daunting diagnosis. I grew tired of feeling like a burden, so much so that I even contemplated ending my life last year.
I am eternally grateful that I chose to keep going.
We relocated to the East Coast to be closer to Jake’s family, save money, and secure the mental health treatment I desperately needed. Jake sacrificed a promising directing career to support us, and I will never take that act of love for granted. We planned to stay in New Hampshire for a year, hoping to find freelance work that would allow us to be home together. Things were going well until Jake finished a contract and couldn’t find work for two months. Suddenly, I was using an EBT card, visiting food pantries, and pleading for financial help from family.
Then, a twist of fate occurred. Jake received unexpected job offers from West Coast animation studios, and after many tearful discussions, we realized these opportunities could alleviate our financial struggles, even if it meant a temporary separation. Within a week, he accepted a fantastic directing role with a six-month contract and began searching for housing in California.
Our household has been a mix of emotions. My young son doesn’t understand why his favorite playmate is leaving, and my daughter is trying to process her feelings about her dad. Meanwhile, I’m striving to maintain a brave face for my family while internally grappling with the potential impact on my mental health recovery.
Jake has been my rock through thick and thin. He has faced his own challenges but emerged as a caring and devoted partner. I’m unsure how I’ll cope without him. I’m attempting to stay positive and remind myself of how far I’ve come since the darkest days of wanting to disappear. But I’m also allowing myself to grieve the loss of his presence.
Our long-term goal is to reunite as a family in California. Achieving this will require patience, hard work, and navigating the challenges of solo parenting. Thankfully, I have an incredible therapist and antidepressants that have been life-changing. However, the return of PTSD-related symptoms in the days leading up to his departure has left me questioning how I will manage alone.
Parents in tough situations like this need compassion, safe spaces to express their feelings, and ongoing support. We need to understand that it’s okay to not be okay. While I know this in my heart, it’s challenging when those around me don’t fully grasp my struggles. My complex PTSD stems from a childhood devoid of the encouragement and stability every child needs. I learned early on that my feelings were burdensome, and my needs were secondary to those of the adults in my life.
Outside of therapy and medication, Jake has been the most significant positive influence in my adult life. I recognize that I must learn to support myself while he’s away, but that doesn’t lessen the emotional toll of his absence. I will miss the man who finds humor in my cheesy mom jokes, supports me when I feel overwhelmed, and reminds me of my worth on tough days. I will miss the quiet moments we share, like watching shows together after the kids sleep, or seeing our children play on his back.
I will miss my husband deeply, and I will allow myself the time and space to grieve.
My hope is that by this time next year, I will no longer be mourning his absence. I envision waking up in our future home in California, our kids bouncing around as we prepare coffee together. I imagine sharing peaceful moments on the porch, enjoying the sunset, and embracing the chaos of family life. I will hold onto these memories during the tough days when I feel alone. I will cherish these images of our life together when video calls cannot compare to his presence. And I will remind myself of these moments when I reach for him at night and find an empty space beside me.
For more insights on navigating parenting and mental health, check out this related post on Home Insemination Kit. You can also explore Intracervical Insemination for valuable resources, and visit CDC’s infertility page for additional information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Emily Carter reflects on the emotional challenges of her husband Jake moving across the country for a six-month job, while she manages solo parenting and her mental health recovery. Their journey together has been filled with ups and downs, and she expresses gratitude for the support Jake has provided. As she navigates the impending separation, Emily emphasizes the need for compassion and understanding during tough times. She holds onto the hope of reuniting as a family in California while cherishing the memories they’ve built together.