I was incredibly aroused throughout my pregnancy. I would often text my partner, Jake, begging him to come home early for some intimate time together. Even though my body felt less than glamorous with a swollen belly and breasts that made driving a challenge, it didn’t deter my cravings; I was ready for action all the time.
Nights were spent lying on the couch, calling out to him while he worked on his paperwork, yearning for an orgasm yet feeling utterly immobile. Then came the baby. Jake eagerly awaited the end of my six-week abstinence, while I dreaded it even more than my postpartum checkup, which included the dreaded speculum exam.
The pain and hormonal chaos were just part of the equation that dimmed my desire for intimacy. More significantly, it felt as though my libido vanished the moment my child was born — it didn’t return after healing, after our son established a consistent sleep routine, nor after a few glasses of wine. Even Jake’s attempts to woo me with flowers and lovely dinners fell flat.
Eventually, my desire resurfaced with a bang, and before we knew it, I was pregnant again. My libido soared during that second pregnancy, but as soon as I delivered, it disappeared once more. I had been with Jake for nearly 20 years. While he maintained a steady sex drive, mine fluctuated like the ocean tide.
I often questioned if something was wrong with me. Had I lost my passion? This inconsistency weighed heavily on our relationship, and I sometimes engaged in sex even when I wasn’t in the mood. However, I’ve learned that I hadn’t lost anything at all; my feelings—whether feeling hot and ready or completely uninterested—were entirely normal. You can still deeply love someone while feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life, which can drain your energy.
Let’s face it: sex and intimacy require energy—precious energy. It competes with the reserves we need for our children, caring for a sick parent, or tackling a big work project. Life can quickly sap your libido, leaving you bewildered. After all, a clear mind is crucial for feeling sexual, and the mental load of motherhood can weigh heavily.
With work, children needing constant attention, and the exhaustion of a long day, sex often becomes the first casualty. But a lack of sexual activity or going through a dry spell doesn’t mean you don’t want to be with your partner. It simply indicates you might be too tired or mentally preoccupied for intimacy.
I had a reminder of this just last week as I headed upstairs with my boyfriend. With the kids finally out of the picture, we hadn’t seen each other for four days. Dating someone new can spark intense desire, but I was drained. This was more than just a casual fatigue; I felt so exhausted that I knew I wouldn’t even be able to reach climax before dozing off.
The bottom line is, I’m head over heels in love, and feeling disinterested in sex doesn’t diminish my feelings for him. Forcing myself to “perform” when I felt utterly zapped wouldn’t enhance my love either. It’s crucial to have a partner who understands that you won’t always be eager so you can prioritize your well-being. This compassion can lead to more fulfilling moments later when you’re rested and feel appreciated.
Sex should never feel like a metric for measuring love or commitment. It shouldn’t be a barometer for how invested you are in a relationship, especially when you’re so mentally fatigued that you’re dozing off during what should be a passionate encounter.
Life has a way of draining our last reserves. When sexual pleasure morphs into a chore, it’s the last thing you want to engage in. Remember, sex is meant to be enjoyable for all parties involved. If you’re too tired or feel like your libido is MIA, that’s perfectly okay. It’s entirely normal.
Don’t burden yourself with self-criticism alongside everything else. Your sex drive will return; don’t hesitate to communicate about it. You have enough on your plate, and feeling guilty will only diminish your sexual experiences even further. For additional insights on this topic, check out this post or visit Intracervical Insemination for expert advice. For those looking for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, Hopkins Medicine offers excellent resources.
Summary
Navigating the ups and downs of sexual desire, especially post-baby, is a common experience. Understanding that these fluctuations are normal can relieve pressure. Prioritize self-care and open communication with your partner, as sex should be an enjoyable activity, not a chore. Remember, it’s okay to take a break and focus on your well-being.