Infertility is often discussed in relation to the physical and emotional toll it takes on the individual undergoing treatments, but it profoundly impacts the relationship with their partner as well. The strain infertility places on a relationship can be immense, testing the very foundations of commitment. My partner and I faced many challenges along this arduous path, but through open communication and a lot of patience, we emerged stronger, even if not without scars.
Throughout this journey, we prioritized our relationship above all else—well, almost all else. There was that one time during a particularly intense progesterone phase where things got a bit rocky. Aside from those moments, our bond has always been paramount. However, one crucial aspect of our relationship suffered significantly: our sex life.
To put it plainly, when we “conceived,” we were miles apart in every sense of the word. I underwent procedures while my partner watched from the sidelines, as medical professionals handled the logistics of our embryos. It’s almost comical to consider how unromantic that scenario was, and yet it was our reality.
Initially, the idea of “timed intercourse” seemed thrilling, allowing us to engage intimately at specific times. But the excitement quickly faded, turning what was once an intimate expression of love into a mechanical task focused solely on conception. The intimacy of our connection was replaced by stress and obligation.
For my partner, the pressure was palpable. I’d receive a positive ovulation test, and it became a frantic race against time. The expectations were overwhelming: “You need to perform, and you need to perform now.” It’s hard to embrace intimacy with that kind of pressure looming over you.
Well-meaning friends and family added to the mix with their unsolicited advice, often suggesting that we just “relax” and go on a vacation to have fun. I remember one trip vividly. After taking Clomid and a trigger shot, we flew to Florida with the intent to unwind and enjoy some “vacation sex.” Things took an awkward turn when we discovered our in-laws were in the adjoining room. Talk about stress-free intimacy!
Periods of mandated abstinence during fertility testing only added to the strain. While men generally have fewer restrictions, women face extended periods without the ability to connect physically with their partners. This led to a loss of intimacy that felt like years, not just days.
As we moved on to intrauterine insemination (IUI), intimacy dwindled even further. Each attempt required us to hold off on sex to ensure the best sperm were ready for the process. At that point, my desire for sex all but vanished unless it was directly tied to the chance of pregnancy. The emotional toll after a failed cycle made intimacy feel like an impossibility.
It’s essential to acknowledge how infertility can make a woman feel disconnected from her own body. I felt like a test subject, subjected to countless examinations and discomfort. When we reached the stage of in vitro fertilization (IVF), physical contact became almost nonexistent. Hormonal treatments took their toll, and sex became a distant memory.
Once I finally became pregnant, fear took over. I worried that any physical activity could jeopardize the pregnancy. Even after the first trimester, I was cautioned against intimacy due to a low-lying placenta. My partner and I were left with months of longing, only to face the six-week postpartum recovery period, which could stretch even longer for some.
When we eventually received the go-ahead from doctors, I expected a return to my former self—yet that didn’t happen. I felt lost in my own skin, disconnected from the woman I once was. The “mommy makeover” didn’t magically restore my confidence either. The reality was I had to confront my lack of desire and the emotional barriers that had built up over time.
Coming to terms with my feelings was vital, as was understanding how my partner felt during this journey. It was difficult to confront, but it was necessary for us to begin rebuilding our intimacy.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to navigating intimacy after infertility, but honesty and transparency are crucial. If you’ve endured the trials of fertility treatments together, you possess the strength to tackle the next chapter of your relationship.
For more insights into the challenges of infertility, check out Home Insemination Kit. Also, for in-depth information on intrauterine insemination, I recommend Cleveland Clinic and Intracervical Insemination as excellent resources.