Prom night is an unforgettable experience, but for me, it was filled with nerves. As a self-conscious teenager, I was anxious about how I looked in my stunning dress from the local department store. When I descended the stairs, I saw my dad waiting at the bottom. I eagerly asked for his opinion, hoping for a flood of compliments. Instead, he simply shrugged and said, “You look fine.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to feel like Cinderella, but instead, I felt deflated.
My father has always found it difficult to express his feelings. Growing up, I constantly hoped for the day he’d surprise me with genuine affection. Valentine’s Day in our home was a perfect example of this struggle. My mother was the life of every holiday, dedicating her energy to creating a magical atmosphere with thoughtful gifts, decorations, and homemade treats. My dad, however, was a different story.
After receiving my Valentine’s Day gift basket from Mom — complete with a festive sweater — I would eagerly await my dad’s return from work. Each year, he’d shuffle up the walkway, arms full of flowers for Mom and a handful of cards. I would open the pink envelope to find a card signed simply “Love, Dad” along with a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret. The first time I saw it, I was baffled. What did a lingerie store have to do with Valentine’s Day?
Whenever I asked him to explain, he’d shrug again and say something clumsy about girls needing nice underwear. I attempted to laugh it off, but it felt awkward and uncomfortable. Each Valentine’s Day ended the same way, leaving me confused about love and affection.
With my mom showering me with gifts and my father’s lack of romantic gesture, I struggled to understand what love should look like in a relationship. I never saw my parents engage in affectionate acts like kissing or going on dates. As I matured, I found myself caught between wanting grand gestures and yearning for the simple, heartfelt connections I never had with my dad. Realizing that love doesn’t have to be extravagant has been a journey, and it’s something I’m still working on with my husband.
Recently, I’ve started to understand my dad’s challenges with expressing his feelings. He has battled generalized anxiety disorder for years, which occupies a significant portion of his mental space. Compounding this is his upbringing; he didn’t have the role model of nurturing parental love, leaving him unsure of how to express affection to me.
Our relationship was strained for many years, largely due to my childhood trauma that he didn’t know how to help me navigate. I often felt neglected, especially when he was consumed with work at his law firm, which made me feel less important. I strove for his approval, trying to prove my worthiness of love.
Everything shifted when I moved in with him at 19 after a tumultuous time with my mother. Initially reluctant, I found myself engaged in deep conversations where I confronted him about my feelings. He listened attentively, validating my emotions and apologizing for the past. He even began seeing a therapist to address his parenting struggles.
My dad committed to his therapy sessions and was open to medication once diagnosed with anxiety. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the significance of mental health issues. However, when I faced my own battles with complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression as a new mom, I recognized the validity of his struggles.
Seeing me through my darkest times, my dad encouraged me to seek counseling — a pivotal moment for both of us. My therapist once shared a profound insight: the repair after a mistake can be just as significant, if not more so, than the initial hurt. This wisdom taught me that empathy and accountability can enhance how we parent and connect with our children.
Though my dad didn’t model emotional openness during my childhood, he is making up for it now. He fills cards with heartfelt messages and expresses his love more freely than before. He tells me how proud he is of me and encourages me to value myself. While he still grapples with anxiety, I share with him the lessons I’ve learned from therapy.
My dad’s journey has taught me the importance of expressing feelings and lifting others with words. I’ve also learned to steer clear of Victoria’s Secret for good, but I now see that his intention was to convey that I deserve love and self-care. I am grateful that he now tells me directly what he once struggled to express.
For more insights on navigating relationships and emotional connections, check out this other blog post at Home Insemination Kit. You can also find valuable information on mental health challenges at Intracervical Insemination and explore more on parenting and relationships at Rmany.
In summary, my father’s difficulty with expressing affection shaped my understanding of love and relationships. However, through open communication and personal growth, we’ve fostered a deeper connection that continues to evolve.