Raising strong, independent daughters while being married to a narcissist often leaves me feeling like the ultimate hypocrite. Some days, I don’t notice it as much; other days, it consumes me. I feel like I’m failing both as a partner and a mother because I’m constantly being gaslighted, leaving me questioning if the problem lies with me instead.
It’s hard to believe it wasn’t always this way; I’m sure many can relate. Women don’t typically fall in love, have children, and stay married for over a decade to someone who has always been abusive, do they? When was the last time things felt genuinely good for an extended period? It’s increasingly difficult to find the positives when you’re in a relentless cycle of emotional and mental survival.
Ultimately, it boils down to survival. Can I endure this for another day, week, or even twelve years until my daughters graduate? What lesson am I imparting by staying in this situation, even as I face emotional exhaustion and verbal attacks, often in front of them? Is it resilience I’m teaching, or am I inadvertently showing them that acceptance is the norm, potentially leading them down a similar path?
Many of us can relate on some level. We all know someone—whether a friend, sister, or coworker—caught in a relationship marked by gaslighting. From the outside, the advice is straightforward: Just leave! Yet, when it’s our reality, things aren’t so clear. Surely if he treats me this way, I must have done something to deserve it. So, we attempt to fix things, time and again, but it never seems to be enough. To the outside world, my husband appears to be a stellar individual—hardworking, a devoted father, and a loving partner. But that’s the illusion, isn’t it? It’s designed to make us feel like we are the ones failing.
Initially, we turn to friends or family who might or might not notice the gaslighting. The usual recommendations include talking it out or seeking counseling, which feels like a reasonable approach. However, it often leads back to the notion that it’s our fault.
As the verbal and emotional abuse becomes more evident, we find ourselves making excuses, canceling plans on tough days, and avoiding situations where he might lose his temper in public. We stop confiding in certain people because hearing “why haven’t you left yet” becomes unbearable when they cannot grasp how impossible that choice truly is. Eventually, we find our tribe—women who understand and don’t judge, likely because they face similar struggles.
In the end, it’s about survival. I believe I could manage on my own, but I’m not prepared to face the harsh consequences that would come with it. I still cling to the hope that things can improve, that one day he will recognize the effort we’ve put in to make this work and that realization will prompt a change.
The main reason I continue this fight is for my children. They are also affected by the gaslighting, and I must be their protector. Leaving is not an option because I wouldn’t gain sole custody due to his manipulative behavior toward them. So, we remain together as a united front.
I want to clarify that I don’t hide the truth from my daughters. We engage in open discussions about healthy relationships, and they are astutely aware of when gaslighting occurs, whether directed at them or me. They stand up for themselves and me, knowing how they deserve to be treated. While I never intended to teach them through this experience, they are learning their worth and how to assert themselves, ultimately becoming strong individuals.
I hope that one day things will improve for all of us. I want my daughters to understand that enduring emotional and verbal abuse isn’t something to be proud of. I wish for them to recognize the signs early, possess the strength to leave if necessary, and look out for one another, all while embracing true love.
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Summary:
Living with a gaslighting partner can be exhausting and confusing, especially while trying to raise independent daughters. The struggle is real as one navigates feelings of guilt, hope for change, and the need to protect their children from emotional and verbal abuse. It’s essential to foster open conversations about healthy relationships and ensure that children learn their self-worth, resilience, and the importance of standing up for themselves.