I’m an English teacher and a mom, and yes, I take anti-depressants. No one will change my mind about that.
I vividly recall a moment from my sixth-grade year when I was filled with a mix of excitement and anxiety. It was my birthday, and I was part of the school news team. I was thrilled to read names, but when I didn’t see my own on the list, I froze. My insecurity prevented me from adding it, so I continued as if nothing happened. That day, I felt completely invisible, and it marked the beginning of my struggle with anxiety and depression.
While many people reminisce about their childhood filled with joy and adventure, my memories are clouded by fear—fear of losing my parents, fear of rejection from friends, and fear of judgment from classmates. Though I had positive experiences, my mind often overshadowed them with negativity. Those unsettling memories are what linger, a reflection of my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression.
Throughout elementary school, my self-doubt hindered my ability to appreciate any accomplishments. When I received an award in fifth grade, my heart raced, and I could barely hear my name being called. Participating in the talent show that year also filled me with dread as I constantly compared myself to others. I was athletic and strong, but my tall stature made me feel out of place.
By sixth grade, a zoning change separated me from some of my closest friends, amplifying my anxiety. I tried to fit in by focusing on academics and staying active, but awkward middle school moments only fueled my self-doubt. Eventually, I stopped attending school altogether. My anxiety manifested physically—my stomach would hurt, and I felt constantly nauseous. I managed to convince my mom to let me stay home. Even when I attempted to go back, I often found myself sobbing in the parking lot, utterly paralyzed by fear.
Fortunately, I transferred to a new school, which improved my situation for a time. However, as I grew older, my mental health began to decline again.
During my first teaching job, anxiety loomed over me daily. Juggling deadlines, classroom management, and an overwhelming workload created a constant state of stress. I would bring work home every evening, and if a parent emailed me on a Friday, it would ruin my entire weekend. Negative comments from students haunted me for days. The stress of teaching, especially for someone predisposed to anxiety, can be all-consuming. I later realized that my frequent stomach issues were a result of anxiety-induced IBS.
After I became a mother, I faced postpartum anxiety and depression. I was terrified something might happen to my newborn, leading to frequent tears and bouts of rage directed at my husband. I justified my feelings as mere exhaustion and stress.
Almost four years later, after suffering a miscarriage, I fell into a deep depression that lasted months. When I became pregnant again, the anxiety was overwhelming—I was haunted by thoughts of losing my baby every single day.
The breaking point came when multiple mass shootings occurred in California. I obsessively consumed every detail, letting the horrific news dominate my life and plunge me into yet another depressive episode. I was tired, trapped in a whirlwind of fear and endless what-ifs. Living in the present became impossible.
Anxiety and depression can manifest in unexpected ways. For me, anger became a predominant symptom. I used to think I had a short temper, but in retrospect, I see it was all tied to my mental health struggles. Anxiety kept me on edge, which then translated to irritability and anger. Depression left me feeling worthless, sad, and lonely, fueling the same cycle of anger.
Eventually, I had a heart-to-heart with my husband about my emotions. As he listened, he expressed how he couldn’t fathom the turmoil in my mind. He suggested I might benefit from professional help, something I had been hesitant to seek before.
I finally went to the doctor, and after the birth of my daughter, at age 30, I started on prescription anti-depressants. This decision changed my life for the better.
Now, I no longer experience an upset stomach daily. I’ve been able to manage my anger more effectively. My heart no longer races for no reason, and I don’t feel nauseous from anxiety over work emails anymore. I’m able to sing without shaking in fear of making a mistake. My thoughts have shifted from negativity, and I’ve found a way to embrace each moment without constantly worrying about death. The depression that once knocked me down every few weeks has faded into the background.
While some find solace in therapy or self-help books, that route isn’t for everyone. My mental health struggles stem from a mixture of genetic predispositions—bipolar relatives, ADD, OCD, and pervasive anxiety and depression.
It’s heartbreaking to see young people, like 16-year-olds, grappling with their mental health. In a recent conversation with a student who felt hopeless, I shared my own experience of feeling invisible in sixth grade and how I eventually sought help. I wanted him to know that it’s never too late to reach out for support.
Help can take many forms, and medication should not be stigmatized. If I could rewind time and change my brain to not be ruled by fear, I would do it in a heartbeat. It would have drastically altered my teenage and early adult years.
Many worry that medication will make them feel numb or emotionless. There are certainly side effects to consider, but it’s about finding the right fit for your body. My first medication caused excessive sweating, while the second one made me more anxious. Thankfully, the third option has been a game changer. The manageable side effects are a small price to pay for the relief I’ve gained.
I share my story in hopes of encouraging others who are struggling to seek the help they deserve. Many people wouldn’t have guessed the extent of my struggles; high-functioning anxiety is a deceptive companion. An anxious mind can lead you to believe that you don’t deserve happiness or that feeling down is simply part of life. But that’s not the truth. More people need to open up about the positive changes that therapy and medication can bring.
I write this for the nervous little girl I once was, the anxious teen, the passive high schooler, and the college student who neglected her mental health. I write this for the 30-year-old mother who finally said, “Yes, I want to feel different.” My hope is that my words inspire others to find their peace.
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Summary:
This article outlines the personal journey of overcoming anxiety and depression through the use of anti-depressants. It highlights the struggles from childhood through adulthood, emphasizing the importance of seeking help. The author encourages others to consider various forms of support, including medication, as a valid option for managing mental health.