She asked me for a napkin to clean the spaghetti sauce from her face, but all I could find was a tissue, so I handed that to her. She dabbed at her lips and cheeks, missing some spots, and returned it to me. At this stage, she hardly ate—so frail and weak, under the influence of painkillers, she had lost interest in food. So when she unexpectedly requested spaghetti for dinner, I was happy to comply. She only managed a few bites, but it was a moment of joy for her.
Sometimes, as I navigate the daily routines with my 11-year-old son, I am hit with flashbacks of my mom’s fight with ovarian cancer. While folding his video game-themed shirts or sorting through his endless pile of socks, I find myself picturing him years from now, in my shoes, possibly anxious about how he would care for me if the time ever came.
I remember traveling to my parents’ house after a long day at work, at least three days a week, and on weekends, just to give my dad a few hours of respite. After caring for my mom for more than two years, his once vibrant demeanor had faded. The stress of being a full-time caregiver had taken a toll on him—physically and emotionally.
By this point, my mother relied heavily on my father, my brother, and me for assistance with dressing, bathing, eating, and moving around. Without private insurance to cover caregiving services, we all stepped in to help. My brother and I had already established our own lives in different cities, but we were fortunate to be close enough to ease some of my dad’s burden as my mom’s battle neared its end.
My father had owned his own printing business for over four decades. Initially, when my mom fell ill, he managed to juggle work and her needs. However, as her health deteriorated, he made the tough choice to sell his business and took on a part-time role with the new owners. Eventually, he had to stop working altogether.
While the financial burden was significant, it paled in comparison to the emotional challenges he faced. An extroverted man, my father thrived in social settings, and without that outlet, he struggled to hold onto his identity. My mom chose to keep her illness private, which meant that my dad lacked support outside our immediate family. Meanwhile, my brother and I wrestled with balancing our own careers and relationships alongside the stress of caring for our mother, grappling with the feelings of sadness and guilt that accompany watching a loved one suffer.
My experience is far from unique. The AARP Public Policy Institute reports that over 40 million Americans provide unpaid caregiving services valued at an astonishing $470 billion annually. Many caregivers are part of the “sandwich generation,” caught between supporting aging parents and raising children. A recent survey showed that 35% of parents with children aged 8 to 14 are also caring for an elderly relative. The demands of 24/7 caregiving, alongside regular parenting duties and work, place an immense strain on anyone.
Though being able to care for family can feel like a privilege, it is undeniably challenging. The toll on physical and emotional well-being is clear, but the financial repercussions are often overlooked. According to the same AARP study, family caregivers over the age of 50 who leave the workforce to care for a parent can lose an average of over $300,000 in income and benefits.
Reflecting on my caregiving journey makes me uneasy at the thought of my son facing a similar fate. I know he would do his best, but it’s a weight I don’t want him to carry alone. I hope he can manage my care without the obligation of providing it single-handedly.
I am fortunate to work for a company that emphasizes the importance of planning for the future and has exposed me to various options to ease the burden of caregiving. Understanding how to plan ahead and explore financial solutions for future care can relieve some stress for family members and safeguard retirement savings. Taking these steps now, while I am healthy, allows my family more options and lower costs than if we delay.
If there was one silver lining in my family’s caregiving experience, it was that my mother spent her final days in the comfort of her home. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that evening I served her spaghetti was the last night I would see her. As I left her bedroom, she imparted a final sentiment that I hold dear. She told me, “Jessica, put your feet up and don’t worry about a thing. I love you.” I love you too, Mom. So much.
For more about navigating family dynamics and caregiving responsibilities, check out this insightful article on community connections. It’s essential to consider these aspects as we think about our future needs, and resources like this one from the March of Dimes provide excellent guidance on fertility treatment and home insemination.
In summary, my experiences as a caregiver have shaped my perspective on the importance of planning for the future. It’s crucial to ease the burden on loved ones by preparing for potential needs, ensuring that no one has to shoulder that weight alone.