Dear fluctuating estrogen and progesterone,
Let’s not beat around the bush: you’re a nuisance. Honestly, I’d prefer if you just packed your bags and left.
Once upon a time, you provided me with a blissful two-week stretch of relative normalcy. Those days? Pure magic. I’d be frolicking in a field of daisies, blowing bubbles, or cycling in white pants while harmonizing with cheerful birds. The kids would be tucked in bed as we reminisced about our idyllic days. Life was harmonious during those golden weeks.
But now? You’ve thrown that schedule into disarray, and I’m stuck in an endless cycle of chaos. It’s one week of tolerable existence, followed by a week of uncontrollable outbursts, and then a week of dealing with clots resembling golf balls. I mean, come on! My search history should be filled with fun things like “best nail salons nearby” or “celebrity gossip,” not “what’s the biggest tampon I can buy” or “hysterectomy recovery timeline.” Instead, I’m left feeling like a lunatic with a cycle that barely keeps pace with the moon.
Just today, after demolishing an entire sleeve of Pringles at my desk, I found myself racing to town in a whirlwind of hysteria. Breakfast and lunch consisted of Tim Horton’s carbs, and I craved Hot-and-Ready pizzas from Little Caesars for the kids because, let’s face it, carbs and I are practically inseparable—yet who in their right mind would openly admit that? My pants are on the verge of bursting!
I’m in a mood where I could snap at anyone. I swear, Siri and Alexa should be on high alert after hearing my outbursts.
Recent triggers?
- My husband comes home and casually drapes his work pants over my chair. TRIGGER!
- My daughter asks about my day, and it sets me off. TRIGGER!
- Our exchange student wanders upstairs, and I’m ready to explode. TRIGGER TRIGGER!
- And don’t even get me started on the dog, who just stares at me with that one blue eye as if to say, “Aren’t you going to feed me?!” TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER!
Let’s make some things clear: only those who truly understand your hormonal rollercoaster can comment, inquire, or negotiate. If you’re a woman who has lived through this, you get a pass. Men, on the other hand, tread carefully. Phrases like “that time of the month” or “must be your menses” (I can’t even) are huge red flags. And don’t even think about saying, “You’re not thinking clearly.” No, no, no! Just know that we need you to be stealthy in your presence—don’t make your existence known unless we need something like a quick trip to the store for snacks or supplies.
And for goodness’ sake, keep your hands to yourself while we brush our teeth! Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? If we were doing something similar while you were in pain? I didn’t think so!
Let’s also address the term “menopause.” For many of us, it translates to “pause the men.” Say it with me: “Pause the men.” We appreciate your presence, but only when it’s convenient for us—right now? Not so much! A gentle back rub while watching “The Daily Show” is more our speed, not any advances that make us cringe.
I apologize for this rant, but I hold you accountable, estrogen. My monthly flare-ups occur when dealing with mundane tasks like merging into traffic or preparing kids’ lunches. These moments often result in outbursts that would make a sailor blush. Honestly, they can be quite effective in clearing a bank line of unsuspecting patrons.
So, I’m asking you, hormones, to please wrap up this chaotic phase so I can return to some semblance of normalcy. But alas, I’ve been informed that this may drag on for years. In the meantime, I’d like to acknowledge a few “sponsors” that help me cope:
- Pringles (especially Salt and Vinegar)
- A generous pour of red wine
- Netflix binges
- Soothing hot baths
- Cozy fuzzy socks
- Episodes of Baroness Von Sketch
- Retail therapy for unnecessary purchases
- Venting sessions with girlfriends
Yours truly,
Alex, representing every 45-year-old woman dealing with unruly hormones.
For more insights and tips on navigating these hormonal changes, check out this informative post on home insemination and consider visiting Intracervical Insemination for expert advice. Additionally, if you’re looking for reliable pregnancy information, March of Dimes is an excellent resource.
Summary:
This humorous yet relatable piece explores the chaotic experiences of a woman dealing with hormonal fluctuations, addressing the absurdities and frustrations that come with them. Through a candid rant, the author expresses the trials of coping with hormonal changes while seeking solace in various comforts and support systems.