There’s a constant feeling of guilt that follows me around. Each evening when my partner, Alex, comes home from work and steps into the kitchen where I’m managing our three kids, he has no idea which version of me he’ll encounter. Will it be the anxious, overwhelmed me, or the cheerful, organized version? It’s a gamble for both of us—and honestly, it’s exhausting.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. As a child, I’d wake up at dawn just to pray for my dad’s safety as he headed off to work. I was always the cautious one—the “worrywart” of the family. I believed rules were essential for our protection, so I adhered to them strictly; I was determined to avoid any possible consequences. Even during my teenage years, I never engaged in risky behaviors like smoking or sneaking out. I was far too focused on following the rules.
Occasionally, I pushed the envelope as I approached high school graduation. I forged a few notes and skipped class to spend time with my boyfriend, indulging in cookies and stolen kisses. I attended a couple of parties, but the thought of getting caught for even a sip of alcohol terrified me.
In college, I worked multiple jobs to cover my tuition, never allowing myself the luxury of socializing after work. I dedicated five years to my studies, earning two degrees. I thought my drive was admirable until I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in my thirties. Therapy, medication, exercise, and meditation became my new normal. I was managing my anxiety well, or so I thought, until a breast cancer diagnosis hit me like a freight train.
The aftermath of that diagnosis amplified my anxiety to levels I had never anticipated. My partner, Alex, has been my rock through it all. We’ve been married for 16 years, and he has been by my side through everything—four adoptions and my recovery from surgery. He attended every post-op appointment and supported me through the toughest times.
I often feel guilty for the way my anxiety spills over onto him. He’s done so much for me, yet I find myself irritable, controlling, and easily annoyed. To someone on the outside, I might come off as a nag or a perfectionist, but these behaviors stem from my struggle with anxiety. It’s relentless and cunning.
Anxiety lies, convincing me that happiness is a risk. It whispers that I shouldn’t let my guard down and that I need to be prepared for the worst. When I write this down, it seems absurd. My rational self knows anxiety doesn’t hold the truth, yet my anxious thoughts often win out.
To cope, I’ve learned to communicate openly with Alex about my anxiety. I don’t hide when something triggers me; I express it directly. He never dismisses my feelings with phrases like “chill out” or “don’t worry.” He understands that letting go isn’t how anxiety operates.
Alex has shown incredible patience and dedication, providing me with a safe space to share my fears. There are days I wish my anxiety would vanish entirely, so I wouldn’t burden anyone else. I sometimes feel like I owe him a thousand apologies for moments when anxiety takes over. But I remind myself that it’s okay to struggle, and I’m doing my best to manage it.
I’ve come to accept that my anxiety will always be a part of me, but I’m proud of how we navigate it together as a family. I’m committed to self-care, and my family supports me through the darkest days, knowing that triggers can arise from simple things like medical checkups or anniversaries.
I hope Alex knows how deeply I appreciate him for standing by me through thick and thin. While anxiety wasn’t part of the plan, we’re learning to manage it together.
For more insights on this journey, check out our post on navigating relationships at Home Insemination Kit. If you want to delve deeper into the topic, Intracervical Insemination is a great resource. And for those considering pregnancy, this guide on IVF offers excellent information.
Summary:
This piece shares the struggles of living with anxiety, particularly how it impacts relationships. The author expresses gratitude for their partner’s unwavering support while navigating the ups and downs of anxiety and health challenges. Through open communication and self-care, they are learning to manage their anxiety together.