As my phone rang without a caller ID, my heart raced and anxiety gripped me. I sensed a pivotal moment was at hand. Why now? I answered to a woman from the assessment clinic, informing me that my report was ready. Blood rushed to my head as I stood on a bustling street, just back from work.
“Would you like to know the outcome over the phone?” she asked. Without a moment’s hesitation, I said yes, oblivious to the many people around me. She revealed that I had Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Tears streamed down my face as I processed the news.
When asked how I felt, I hesitated, finally managing to say, “Shocked.” Yet, relief washed over me—I had been waiting so long to hear those words. The conversation wrapped up quickly, and I checked my emails for the full report. The first page confirmed it: I was autistic.
Growing Up Different
Growing up felt like being on the outside, especially as the only girl among my brothers. I often felt different and struggled to understand social cues. I was lonely, even with a loving family and one close friend. School was a battleground; the other girls could sense my differences, subjecting me to mental and physical abuse. As I entered high school, my emotions boiled over, leading me to mask my true self.
I became skilled in studying social cues, mimicking behaviors, and desperately trying to fit in. I managed to gather a group of friends by age 14, but the effort took a toll. I felt like I was losing touch with myself and my mental health deteriorated. By then, I was labeled neurotic and aggressive, and I struggled with feelings of inadequacy.
Finding My Path
After leaving school, I briefly attended college but dropped out, feeling disconnected from friendships I had worked so hard to maintain. In my isolation, I found a job at 17, which provided some structure. It was during this time that I met my husband, Jake. He was my anchor, and he saw the real me beneath the surface.
Despite a supportive family and a loving spouse, my mental health worsened. In 2008, we welcomed our son, but I became increasingly isolated and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. Medication left me feeling like a zombie, disconnected from my life. By 2012, after the difficult birth of our daughter, my anxiety spiraled further. It took a compassionate therapist to finally help me start peeling back the layers of my struggles.
Reflection and Realization
As I began to remove toxic elements from my life, I also took up exercise to combat anxiety, although entering a gym still overwhelmed me. In 2016, my brother was diagnosed with ASD, which prompted me to reflect on my own experiences. Many traits resonated with me, but I dismissed them, thinking I couldn’t possibly be autistic.
Over the next two years, daily panic attacks plagued me, affecting my career and health. Exhaustion led me to seek help again. I broke down in front of my doctor, expressing that I suspected I might be on the autism spectrum. After sharing my experiences and traits, he agreed to refer me for an assessment, although it might take up to two years.
Eight months later, I received the necessary paperwork for my assessment. The anticipation was both thrilling and terrifying. During this time, I took a job as a Workplace Assessor for an autism charity, helping others while struggling with my own identity.
Embracing My Identity
Ultimately, I learned that understanding and accepting oneself is a journey. For those curious about diverse birthing experiences, you can find valuable resources at Diverse Birthing Experiences. Also, if you’re considering pregnancy or home insemination, UCSF Fertility Treatment offers excellent insights. To explore similar narratives, visit our post at Home Insemination Stories.
Summary
Elena Thompson shares her journey of discovering her autism diagnosis after marriage and children. Despite feeling isolated and struggling with mental health issues throughout her life, her experiences led her to seek help and ultimately find understanding. With support from her family and husband, she learned to embrace her identity while helping others in similar situations.